On Friday, November 7, I embarked on a journey to Red Bank, New Jersey, to watch one of my favorite film directors, Kevin Smith, perform a live Q&A at the newly-renovated Count Basie Theater. My mom and I left the house at around 4:30 for an hour and a half drive armed with a bag of Burger King and a CD containing Iggy Pop and The Fratellis. It didn’t take us long to get there, until we got on the bridge right near the theater. What should have taken us two minutes according to the GPS system took us almost ten. It was hard enough just to find a place to park and a gas station also.

Anyway, we got in our seats around 6:50, and the show started at 7. The theater was pretty damn nice, though the only complaint that I really had was that it was so hot that you could probably fry a dozen eggs at once. There was a large couch and a table in the center of the stage. At around 7:05, the lights shut down, and Kevin Smith came walking out onto the stage. He began by asking if there was any press in the crowd tonight. I didn’t raise my hand, knowing that after watching a few of his Q&As that I shouldn’t, but one guy jokingly raised his hand and Kevin told him to put his fucking notebook away. Smith joked and pretended to write on his invisible note-pad, “Affleck… fucks… horses.”

His first story of many for the night was a longer and drawn out version of the story that he told on Leno a few weeks ago. It was a bit more raunchier than what was shown on TV, describing how he wipes his asshole after he’s done shitting, but like every Kevin Smith film, you know what you’re getting into when you’re going into one of his Q&As.

So while he was on the subject of how fat he has become, he gave the reason that actually makes sense – smoking pot with Rogan. After “Zack and Miri,” they rolled a joint together and Smith became “hooked.” So for a while since he finished the movie he has been smoking joints and watching Blu-Rays on his 103-inch TV (DUDE HE HAS 103 INCH TV). Then the munchies come in and he gives the quote of the evening: “You’re not only in the movie, you’re IN THE FUCKING MOVIE.” He also says that he watched “Juwanna Mann” in one of those instances (which I don’t think is on Blu-Ray, but is on DVD). I actually felt pretty good once he brought “Juwanna Mann” up. Now I’m not the only one that watched it.

*SPOILERS OF “ZACK AND MIRI” AND “RED STATE” FROM HERE ON.”*

People started asking questions after that. I forget what the first guy’s question was (which wasn’t really too good of one anyway, since people started booing him and yelling at him to sit down), but the second one jumped on the ball with a “Zack and Miri Make a Porno” question about the rating boards. Smith responds that the battle with the MPAA would have been difficult for this film. There were two shots in the film that the MPAA wanted to cut down or cut out. The first scene that the MPAA wanted to cut down was the first sex-scene in which Jason Mewes is fucking Katie Morgan. They complained that there was too much thrusting in the scene. The other scene that the MPAA didn’t want was the “shit-shot,” and for the people who have seen the movie, they know what I mean.

He goes into about how they went into the appeal’s process. He explains to the audience how the appeal process goes – first Smith explains to the jury (half made up of MPAA, half made up of NATO (National Association of Theater Owners)) for fifteen minutes why the film should be the rating that the director wants it to be. Then the person who “reviewed” the film must back up her claims as to why she gave that rating. Then they form a rebuttal on both sides and are sent outside while the jury decides the rating to give the film. To back up his argument for the Mewes-Morgan sex-scene, he (interestingly) brought up the sex scene in “Taking Lives” featuring Angelina Jolie and Ethan Hawke. He explained how the scene in “Taking Lives” was so passionate but had almost the same amount, if not more, thrusts, as to how the scene in “Zack and Miri” was almost a satire of sex scenes in film.

To back up his argument on the “shit-shot,” he began discussing a scene in “Jackass Number Two” when Steve-O has his head in a jar while another guy is farting in a funnel connected to the jar. He brings up that even though you don’t really see the guy shit into the funnel, you can see his turd that came out of his asshole. He tells the audience his point – why should real shit get an R-rating, but fake shit get an NC-17?

So we all know the rest of the story – “Zack and Miri” gets an R-rating and everyone is all happy again. He then brings up about how television stations only showed the first half of the film’s title instead of the full thing, and says that the word porno isn’t even that bad of a word. The guy at the mic interestingly brought up Chase Utley’s comment on live TV a week ago when he said, “World champions… world fucking champions.” Smith also went on about how the city of Philadelphia wouldn’t allow ads on the buses.

One of the more interesting questions of the night was followed-up afterwards to the last question. The guy at the mic (who was supposedly in costume, though from where my seat is, I couldn’t see him) asks Smith if he knows about the Marvel Zombies series of comic books, and asks Smith if he plans on doing something like that with his characters. Smith laughs at the idea, but he says no.

A few more questions went by until finally someone asked about what was going on with “Red State.” He began telling the audience the same thing that he has told the people over at AICN and all over the internet-blogosphere that “Red State” was so bleak that it made “The Dark Knight” look like “Beverly Hills Chihuahua.” He also begins saying how all of the characters don’t survive, make stupid decisions, and overall, there is no hope. He pitched it to Bob Weinstein, who read the script. Smith told us Weinstein’s reaction in a HILARIOUS impersonation of him: “You know, I just don’t get it. Is it like “Children of the Corn?” But he decided that it would take about five million dollars to fund the project and he is looking for his cast and a little distributor now to fund the film, and he is hoping that it will be ready to shoot next spring. A bunch of people shouted that they would help fund the movie, and Smith replied, “Naww, save your money. Go buy shit on the site.”

More questions followed during the course of the night. One question in particular was Kevin Smith’s relationship with Judd Apatow. Smith described his relationship with Apatow as “not friends, but friendly.” He goes on talking about a panel at the Comic-Con earlier in July where Smith, Apatow, Frank Miller, and Zack Snyder did a similar Q&A, and one of the people asked all four of them who their influences were. Apatow said, “Kevin Smith paved the way for everyone,” and after that, Smith gave up and gave Apatow a hug. Later that week, Apatow came over Smith’s house to watch “Zack and Miri” and Smith left him alone. The entire time when Apatow was by himself, Smith claims that he could hear Apatow laughing his ass off. When he asked Apatow what he thought of the movie, Apatow said that he loved it, but gave a quick suggestion to Smith, the scene being when Zack is being shown the porno by the characters played by Craig Robinson and Jeff Anderson.

I forget how the audience and Smith approached this next topic, but Smith then began talking about Jason Mewes’s dick. Back before “Zack and Miri” was made, Smith says that Jason would always show his dick hanging out to people. When he was making “Zack and Miri” and it was called to show his penis, Jason was actually worried about doing so, but goes on with it anyway. Smith also said that he showed Affleck the film a little bit before it was released, and Affleck said something along the lines of, “HOLY SHIT, IS THAT MEWES’S COCK? One more pump and that shit would be like a fucking space-ship.” When Smith told Mewes about Affleck’s reaction, Mewes told Smith to tell Affleck, “That isn’t my cock going up, that’s my cock coming down.”

The reason to ever go to a Smith show is to hear him talk about the latest movies that he has seen, and one guy in the audience asks him how he likes the transition from comic-books to movies lately. Smith goes on and says how he thought this summer was the best for comic-book films yet, saying how much he loved “The Dark Knight,” “Iron Man,” and “The Incredible Hulk.” When he was talking about “The Dark Knight,” he said that no other comic book movie should be made after that film. He started talking about the scene in “The Incredible Hulk” where the Hulk throws a rock at the lightning, and how teary-eyed he got during that scene.

At around that time, three other guys and I shouted out “WATCHMEN!,” knowing that Smith had already seen “Watchmen” before everyone else has gotten the chance to even take a fucking look at it. Smith says that he saw it twice, and that it was fucking awesome. When one of the guys at the mic asked about the ending, Smith brought up that he signed a non-disclosure agreement. In trying to put it in the best way he possibly could without being sued, he said, “Zack Snyder and the guys at Warner Brothers made the ending in a way that isn’t confusing.” He continued by saying that the ending that he saw tied the story together perfectly. Now this only makes me look forward to “Watchmen” even more.

Around this time, I went out of the theater to go to the bathroom and buy a Pepsi from the guys over at the snack-stand. I looked over next to the snack stand and some guy was selling the new “Batman” comic-book that Smith and Walter Flannigan wrote and drew. I fished out five bucks for that, and on the cover were autographs from Smith and Flannigan. The five bucks was way worth it.

Anyway, as I was heading back into the theater, a guy began to ask him a question and Kevin dashed off of the stage to get changed into a more appropriate shirt for the heat in the theater. And god, was it hot. To let you know how hot it was, Smith had five towels on stage with him, and within the first ten minutes of the show, he was rubbing his face with towels. He asked the crowd who was hot and almost everyone shouted ME and YES, so he asked the theater-workers if they could get the doors opened. No one opened any doors.

The guy continued his question and asked what went on between Smith and Linda Fiorentino on the set of “Dogma.” Kevin said that since Fiorentino had the biggest role of the film and was needed for almost every scene, she had to stay on the set while the film was being shot while the people with smaller roles didn’t have to stay on the set and could come whenever the scenes called for them. Fiorentino didn’t feel the need to stay and fought with Kevin almost every day. He recalls that during the shooting of the scene at the Mooby’s with Smith, Mewes, Fiorentino, and Chris Rock, she wouldn’t talk to Smith for that entire morning. At the end of the story, Smith says that as much as he likes her, he would never, ever work with her again.

One of the questions later on in the show was if he ever got offended by a question at another show, or if he ever had stupid questions before. He brings up three stories from the past. The first story was during a show that took place in Edmonton (during the shoot of the second “Evening with Kevin Smith” DVD). A guy, presumably knowing almost nothing about Kevin’s history, said that a store near him is called “Quick-Stop.” He followed up by asking if he had to buy the rights to use that name and if he had to build a store from scratch. The crowd booed him and Kevin told them to shut their mouths, but Kevin answered him appropriately and asked the man to ask another question. The guy then asked him if he ever got into a fight before, and while Smith was thinking about the answer, the audience starting booing the guy again. Smith looked at the guy and asked him if he was okay, and before the guy could answer, he fainted. A few people rushed to catch him before he hit the ground, and Smith just stood in the back like, “Holy shit…”

Another story was one that I was very familiar with. Kevin Smith went to the Comic-Con last year and some smartass asked him if he ever planned on making an original movie that doesn’t bring any of the old characters in that don’t suck. Smith responded that he’s making “Zack and Miri” and “Red State,” and said that he would get right onto making them as soon he pulled his cock out of his mother’s ass. You can watch the video here.

The third story is when he went to the University of South Carolina earlier this year. A little bit of history about this college – their sport teams are called the Gamecocks. Note the name. Every time that Kevin Smith said the word “cock,” these guys lost it. According to Smith, these guys asked some of the weirdest questions that he was ever asked. Smith told the audience about one particular question: If his wife died, and the only thing that could be left was her brain, and if it was put into the body of an eight year old girl, would he fuck the eight year old girl? Smith said that the question was so fucking weird that he didn’t have the balls to tell his wife until two weeks after the Q&As.

A few other questions were asked throughout the evening. One of the questions was a few of the movies he used to watch with his father before he passed away. Smith recalled memories of his dad taking him out of school on Fridays to go to the matinees to see “Raiders of the Lost Ark” and “The World According to Garp.” Another question was if he could recall one of his greatest memories with the late great George Carlin. After shooting his one-day scene in “Jay and Silent Bob Strikes Back,” Carlin asked Smith to write him his dream role – a priest who strangles a dozen children. When Smith handed Carlin the script to “Jersey Girl,” Carlin told Smith that he didn’t see any dead kids in the script. Unfortunately, Carlin left too soon. You can read Smith’s eulogy to Carlin here.

When the show ended at 11:15, I didn’t want to leave. I could have listened to Kevin Smith talk all day and all night, into the hours of the next day and until the day after. There is no filmmaker committed to their fans more than their films like Kevin Smith. Whenever he talks, we listen. Whenever we talk, he listens. He is a one of a kind filmmaker. Before the end of the evening, Smith said, “Woody Allen doesn’t have Q&As like me!” Watching Smith on stage is something that you will remember for the rest of your life. I’m already buying tickets for my next evening with him in February!