Release Date: February 1, 2008
Director: Paddy Breathnach
Writer: Pearse Elliott
Tagline: "Get Ready to Get Wasted"

A group of American friends head off to Ireland to meet an old college chum to camp out under the stars and trip on some famous Irish mushrooms. Of course you have your stoner, his hippie girlfriend, the pretty girl and her meathead boyfriend, the Irish guy and of course, the good girl who has never done drugs. Upon arrival they are told about what 'shrooms to pick and what they look like. But only 2 of them were told which ones were EVIL! (read more)

“Pocahauntus”
2008
** out of ****
Director: Veronica Craven
Cast: Lisa Allen, Chris Angelo, Molly Celaschi


I watched “Pocohauntus” once. I hated it, but had no idea why. I watched “Pocahauntus” once more, and didn’t feel anything else. I’ve been meaning to write a review for “Pocahauntus” for the past two weeks, but I didn’t know what to say about it. And I think I finally found my answer. I had an addiction for the past two weeks…

Tetris. Fucking Tetris.

Sorry everyone, but I can’t come up with an explanation why I didn’t like “Pocahauntus.” It’s boring, not scary, and I never saw a movie where the characters were as horny as I was while watching it. It received interest, oh yeah it did, but it received as much interest as that Olive Garden commercial, and I despise the Olive Garden. If every movie had so much nudity, sex, and sexual humor in it, I wouldn’t have to result to films like “Superbad” and “American Pie” (although, there is only one pair of tits in the movie, and they ain’t the tits of a hot woman, I can tell you that much…).

Well, I might as well begin with the plot. The curse of Pocahontas (Stephanie Basco) comes back every one-hundred years. A group of AMAZING characters that have the last names of genitalia spelled backwards, including gynecologists, lesbians, porn stars, deputies, surfers, angry girlfriends, and drunks stay overnight in a cabin in the woods. This night… that they’re in the woods… is the anniversary of Pocahontas’s death. She arrives from the grave, feasting on these people… AND WHAT DO YOU KNOW? All of these people staying at the cabin have relatives from the past that killed Pocahontas. Something called fate comes to mind…

After watching this movie twice, I’m still kind of confused as to what this movie is supposed to be. Is it supposed to be a horror film or a comedy? The humor comes fast and furious, but none of the jokes really made me laugh. The film has some “horrific” moments, but they’re boring and never really scare the viewer. Hell, I think I was laughing through the horror moments and scared of the actual jokes. They’re almost as dangerous as the villain herself.

But I think “Pocahauntus” has a lot going for it as far as quality goes. By the title, you really shouldn’t be expecting much. It’s kind of like expecting a film like “Meet the Spartans” supposed to be funnier than “Epic Movie.” “Pocahauntus” knows that it is a bad movie, and intends to be, unlike another film that was inspired by “Silent Night Deadly Night 2” and thought it was a quality flick. I’m not really surprised that I didn’t like it, but I’m surprised that it didn’t please me the least bit.

I’m giving it two stars not as an act of kindness, but I think that if anyone goes into a movie like “Pocahauntus” seriously, you’re missing out on a fun thing. Though my grumpy ass didn’t like it, it doesn’t mean that you won’t like it. The review here is so short because I really don’t know what to say about the film. I would definitely look into the film though, if you really want to try something new.

Now if you excuse me, I’ll be playing some Tetris until Friday when a copy of “Across the Universe” falls into my hands…

Director: James Wan
Stars: Kevin Bacon, Kelly Preston, John Goodman, Garrett Hedlund

The Hume family is a very loving upper middle-class family; dad Nick (Bacon), mom Helen (Preston), and their 2 sons Luke and Brendan. Brendan is the athletic favorite and Luke is the forgotten "egghead" who desperately loves his big brother. Late one night after a game, Nick and Brendan find themselves lost in the bad part of town and low on gas. While dad fills up, Brendan goes in to pay and is gunned down by a masked thug purely as an initiation to get into a gang. As the gang takes off, they leave the lone gunman to fend for himself and Nick wrestles his mask off and sees his face before the criminal is hit by a car and arrested. (read more)

Welcome to the 116th Edition of my series. I made the announcement last week that I was starting my own movie contest, the March Movie Madness contest which starts in late Febuary and so far I have myself, Tony D, Jenny, Fred, Zombie Boy, and the Critic Wannabe. If you are interested, give me a comment or message me. This week, I made three selections based on account of deaths which I hate those circumstances but that's what happens. Now, get out your queues and enjoy.


The Geisha Boy (1958): I made this selection based on the lesser known death of Suzanne Pleshette in her debut and played Sergeant Pearson. This movie stars Jerry Lewis as a magician sent to entertain the troops in Japan and befriends a family including a young boy who really takes to him. He also likes his pretty guardian. This movie has many funny moments with the rabbit and is probably Jerry's most moving film being the father-figure to the young Japanese-Boy.


The Wasp Woman (1960): This is part 4 of 4 of my Sci-Fi Invasion series and I end on this Roger Corman film. Susan Cabot plays Janice Starlin, a cosmetics queen who is obsessed with regaining her youth and meets a scientist with a formula extracted from wasps. The scientist has only put the formula on animals, but not on humans but Janice takes some anyways with bad side-effects. It has the interesting theme of regaining youth and the price that can be paid. It is to be watched, Roger Corman managed to make lot happen for someone who had hardly any budget.


The Cure (1995): I made this selection based on the death of Brad Renfro who died just a little bit before Heath Ledger. It's just too bad that his movies live on in a bit of obscurity because he had a great career ahead of him if he had just had his head on straight. I've said enough, now to the movie. Brad plays Eric and Joseph Mazzello plays Dexter. You might remember Mazzello from films like THE RIVER WILD, and JURASSIC PARK. Eric is a bit of a bully, but just in a way to avoid trouble and Dexter is a younger boy next door who has aids. Eric befriends Dexter and when they learn of a possible cure through a tabloid, they set out for New Orleans to find that doctor and go on the adventure of their life. Annabella Sciorra plays Dexter's single mom who her and her son have been shunned by the community. I liked the way that she appreciated Eric simply for being a friend to Dexter and even to her no matter how stupid his choices might have been, knowing he meant well. It also took place in a time when we were still pretty ignorant to the disease. This movie will bring out every emotion.


Children of Men (2006): I decided to view this one when I found it to record to DVR and decided to watch it again. The actor who will play me in THE RISE AND FALL OF SHAUN BERKEY Clive Owen stars as Theo in a bleak 2027 in a time when a child has not been born for 18 years. He becomes the unlikely champion to a woman who is miraculously pregnant and agrees to get her to a sanctuary at sea to a group of scientists that can possibly help the future of mankind and has a lot to go through. Julianne Moore plays his ex-girlfriend who leads a group of freedom fighters and turning to Theo. Michael Caine plays Jasper who is kind of a comic relief and a friend of Theo. I liked that it didn't get over-technological and just focused on a story.


Song of the South (1946): My friend Bill and his dad made me this copy of the Disney classic which was an early blend of animation and reality. I'm not sure if it is the first. This movie has very rarely been released to the American public. Disney might feel it plays to stereotype. This movie actually takes place during the Reconstruction period after the Civil War which means the people working on the plantation were not slaves, they were employees and maybe because they could not find anything but some people seem to think that it is wrong that they portrayed these blacks as so content and the white people as pretty good people. Now, let's look at slavery, not all slaves necessarily lead bad lives and not all slave owners were necessarily bad people. The main one this movie focused on was Uncle Remus, played very well by James Baskett. He is a friendly black man who tells stories of the adventures of Brer Rabbit. He befriends a young boy whose dad has left and he gets him happy again. Is that unrealisic, is that wrong? Disney, let's get this released so that families can put it into their dvd player and enjoy the movie. It is not racist, it's not like we have the N-word being said or people getting whipped.


Crazy House (1930): This is my short film selection for the week. This takes place in the Lame Brain Sanitarium where Benny Rubin takes a tour and encounters some rather strange people. It's a funny 10 minutes and it was on a dvd of a movie that I will be featuring next week.


Earthquake 7.9 (1980): This is my grindhouse selection for the week and this is not the Charlton Heston classic. This is one in Japan about a seismologist who predicts an earthquake of high magnitude but no one believes him and brings disgrace to his in-laws. This had some very bad dubbing and was better storyline-wise than the other Grindhouse selections I have used.


White Palace (1990): My mom recorded this one to DVR so I decided to check this one out. BOSTON LEGAL star James Spader stars as a young, widowed ad-exec named Max and meets a 40 year old woman named Nora with a fixation for Marilyn Monroe and works as a waitress at the White Palace, a White Castle type place. They form an uneasy relationship slowly falling in love. SEINFELD alum Jason Alexander is a friend of Max's. Some may remember Spader's guest appearance on SEINFELD. When I saw the name James Spader, I thought I was going to see some really disturbing, sexual film but I was quite wrong. He was even less sleezy than usual. It was a pretty enjoyable love story.


Ned Kelly (2003): Here is my Heath Ledger pick for the week and this is something I had not seen so I wanted to check this one out. I'm aware this is a remake and that Mick Jagger played the role in 1970 which I have not seen. Surely Ledger's acting is better here. Ned Kelly was an Australian Outlaw and folk hero. I guess he is their Jesse James. I'm sure their are mixed opinions on both people but as the story of Ned Kelly goes, his family was wronged so Ned turns to a life of crime and forms the Kelly Gang to avenge the wrongs to his family. Orlando Bloom plays his best friend and Naomi Watts is his love interest and I thought she was used too sparingly. Geoffrey Rush plays the ruthless lawman out to get the Kelly Gang. I probably could have picked a better Heath Ledger film but as I said, I hadn't seen this one yet and it was available.


Chinatown (1974): I end on this Roman Polanski masterpiece which stars Jack Nicholson as a 1930s private investigator named Jake Gittes who is first hired for a simple suspection of adultry but like always there is far more to that. He then stumbles onto a murder scheme and a water scheme. Faye Dunaway is a mysterious woman who was impersonated by someone else into hiring him. John Huston plays the role of Noah Cross whose 10 million dollars is not enough. This was a great, dark neo-noir and something that must be followed very closely. Look for Polanski as the thug who cuts Jake.




Well, that is it for this week. Leave your comments of what you like and what you hate and once again tell me if you want to be part of my contest.

I'M NOT THERE

*** out of 4

Rated R

Directed by Todd Haynes

ACADEMY AWARD NOMINEE: Best Supporting Actress-Cate Blanchett

Lives do not flow, but are rather a collection of loosely strung together cataclisms and revelations. Our tastes, our loves, our sense of morality and and even the very colors we see the world with are subject not only to change, but to violent upheaval. Our personal apocalypses are exactly that, and the fragile web connecting us to others shakes as you can see out from yourself, but they can't see in. We are six billion unique souls on the big blue cesspool, united in only a few fundamental ways. One of which being that we cannot guarantee that we will be the same person year to year. Day to day. Minute to minute.

But most of us don't undergo these changes publicly, and NO ONE ever veered from personality to personality like Bob Dylan. Todd Haynes' genre deconstruction of the music-biopic is I'M NOT THERE, and he takes the concept that we are different people at different points in time quite literally, as he casts six actors to portray Dylan at seperate junctures. From awkward young folkie (Christian Bale) to life in the media crosshairs after going electric (Cate Blanchett) to his first marriage (Heath Ledger) to his late movie-actor persona (Richard Gere). The result is fascinating and exhilarating, to be sure. But it's also unsettling. For well over forty years many of us have looked to Dylan for some kind of inspiration or direction. It turns out that his many chameleonic shifts in public persona were not calculated. He was just as fucked up and schizophrenic as the rest of us are.

I'm not going to go into the conventional plot summary because there's no coventional plot. The Dylans are all under psudonyms like Jude Quinn (Blanchett) or Jack Rollins (Bale), but those who have followed Dylan can spot where and when these Dylans correlate with the real one. It's like a Greatest Hits album with a pulse. For those of us in the initiated, we can sing along. For the noobs, it's a great place to start.

On the critical side, I can say that I'M NOT THERE is a very well made and well-acted motion picture. Haynes switches from black and white to different color saturations to match not the times, but our collective perceptions of them. I'M NOT THERE, after all, isn't about the man, but how we all SAW the man.

On the acting end, stealing the movie without leaving so much as a whiff of scent is young Marcus Carl Franklin as the pre-Greenwich Dylan that he all wanted us so desperately to believe he was, riding the rails like a hobo and singing about the plight of the downtrodden. But if there's a weak link in the six Dylans, it's Cate Blanchett as the arrogant and preening fuck from the '67 DON'T LOOK BACK era. This isn't to say that Blanchett isn't good in the role, but she seems to be the only one actively doing "Bob Dylan." At least when Bale does his mimicry of Dylan, he does it naturally, constantly stuttering his words and hiding from the gaze of anyone who might be looking.

But I'm also a Dylan fan, and I for one am curious as to why any biography of Dylan, written or produced, seems to think Dylan died sometime in the eighties. He's still alive, well and is actually enjoying a late inning resurgence. He's doing some of his best work right now. Christ, I'd take LOVE AND THEFT over BLOOD ON THE TRACKS any day of the week. And the present day Bob could be played by the dug-up corpse of Vincent Price... Or failing that, the real Bob Dylan, being as they look so damn similar.

But where my Dylan-fan side and my movie-critic side can agree is the entire Richard Gere branch of the story. From where I sat, it serves no purpose whatsoever. I think it might be the image of himself that he saw refuge in to get away from all the expectaions the world had of him, but by God don't quote me.

What I'M NOT THERE left me with more than anything else is that being a fan of someone, be they a writer or an actor or a folk musician, requires a certain amount of presumption. When we get attached to someone's work, we entertain an illusion we won't even admit to ourselves, that they're doing it just for us. And when they deviate from a set pattern, we take it personally. And in any case, we tend to dig to deep to try and find the person behind it all. It's interesting, to be sure, but why do we do it? It's counterproductive. Why do we try to get a handle on artists personally? So we can see where they're going once we know where they've been?

But doesn't that take away some of the power of their art? Great art should come as a shock. It should leave us different than when it found us. So does it really do us any good to marginalize and quantify another person so what they do for a living holds a deeper private meaning for us?

JESUS, we got some fuckin' nerve.

ONCE
** out of 4
Rated R
Directed by John Carney

ACADEMY AWARD NOMINEE: Best Original Song-"Falling Slowly," music and lyrics by Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova

This is the little Irish musical that could, endlessly word-of-mouthed by people who get a nice rosy feeling championing out of the way pictures. It’s that feeling of discovering something, so you can sit back later with a smug look on your face when you tell two friends… And THEY tell two friends…

Sometimes that’s put to good use, with great pictures like MEMENTO and BRICK. But sometimes, it’s mediocrity incarnate, like MY BIG FAT GREEK WEDDING. And, yes, ONCE. It reminds me of those folks in Florida who refuse to give up their shitty swamp land in spite of gators and hurricanes. “Yeah it’s cramped and it smells awful, BUT IT’S MINE, GODDAMMIT!”

And the homegrown hype-machine was pulled out non-stop for this one, with people saying that it had to be seen to be believed. Their claims of being moved and touched were almost as enthusiastic as the dude writhing in tongues at a Pentecostal Church. Folks, I’m not Gibralter. I can be moved.

But it’s gonna take more than eighty-five minutes of melodically challenged, sub-Damian Rice horseshit to do it. Austere acoustic guitars and nautical metaphors-o’-plenty actually cause me physical pain. It’s my Holy Water and Garlic. WHERE is John Blutarsky when you REALLY NEED HIM?

ONCE chronicles the life and times of Shaggy James Blunt (Glen Hansard). He’s a Hoover repairman who lives with his dad in Dublin and spends his spare time writing songs and performing on street corners for change. One night, while he’s getting his testicle-free soft-rock on, he encounters Czech-Out Girl (Marketa Irglova), who appreciates his playing in one of the more awkward meet-cutes in recent memory. What are the odds of her having a broken vacuum sitting at home?

She takes a liking to his music and he finds that she can play a mean piano. They get a wild hair up their asses to record a demo and Shaggy James will move to London with it, hoping to get noticed. They’re attracted to one another and due to extenuating circumstances, neither of them can act on it.

If you have wondered why I haven’t mentioned the characters’ names, my reasoning is simple: they don’t have them. In the winning touchdown pass of Pretentious Bowl ’07, writer-director James Carney opted to name them “Guy” and “Girl.”

Jesus…

ONCE is sixty percent music, so it is my understanding that beneath its quaint “from-the-heart” exterior lies a savage greed. The entire movie acts as an infomercial for its weak and willowy soundtrack, being that we have to listen to every last note of every damn song.. Leading man Glen Hansard IS the lead singer of The Frames, after all. They are not a band I’ve heard of, but judging from the work here, I won’t even give them the benefit of an illegal download. None of this feels right to me. By having the music be ambient, it looks as if ONCE is trying to escape the “musical curse.” Some folks won’t go to a musical with out a fight first. So THIS one should be okay, right? And not only do I think that the songs are bad, but there aren’t even enough bad songs to go around. Shaggy James Blunt and his impromptu band record a track in a studio, then, not FIVE MINUTES LATER, we get a full reprise.

But forget about Hansard. He’s an evil, evil man who wants to touch your pee-pee. If there is any great value I can salvage from ONCE for my own personal use, it is Market Irglova. She sings a couple of songs, and I must admit that I like her voice. The one scene that truly came alive for me in ONCE involved only her. She was listening to an instrumental track to one of Shaggy James Blunt’s songs that he didn’t have lyrics for yet. She offers to take a crack at it. She’s listening and taking notes late at night when the batteries on the portable CD player go out. She ventures into the night, still clad in her PJs to the local gas station to get some more.

On the way back, she breaks into a very tender and moving song dealing with petulance in the face of regret. Her Czech accent shines through, so it’s like she’s trying to broach communication over an ocean of obstacles, maneuvering machinations of love and heart around shaky foreign territory. Even more so, it fully realizes what an obsessive act any creative endeavor is. Creation is no respecter of decorum or sleep. I can’t do justice to the scene with my words. The problem is, neither can the rest of the movie.

It’s about as well made and well acted as a movie shot for a half-eaten roll of Certs in seventeen days possibly can be. I bear no ill will towards anyone involved. I just bear ill will towards the soundtrack which, were it to somehow miraculously wind up in my hands, would go into the microwave for five seconds, so it would hurt no one else. Hey, I’m a critic because I care.

But if you like your lyrics trite and your composition soulless, ONCE is the movie for you. As far as that kinda thing goes, it ain’t bad. Have at her.

But if I’m ever riding in a car with you? We’re listening to Modest Mouse. This I shall not budge on.

Platinum Dunes partners Michael Bay, Brad Fuller and Andrew Form have been set by New Line to re-launch Freddy Krueger, the iconic psycho who haunts the subconscious dreams of teenagers and kills them in their sleep, reports Variety.

The trio will create a new franchise based on A Nightmare on Elm Street, the 1984 Wes Craven film. Originally played by Robert Englund, Krueger haunted nine films and two TV series.

The deal comes as Bay, Fuller and Form ready for an April start for Friday the 13th, a New Line re-launch of another iconic baddie, Jason Voorhees. Marcus Nispel will direct a script by Damian Shannon and Mark Swift (Freddy vs. Jason).

Both franchises will be given a complete overhaul, something that Platinum Dunes provided in the Nispel-directed The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. New Line won't hire a writer on "Nightmare" until the writers strike ends.

Welcome to the 115th Edition of my blog. It's very sad to hear about Heath Ledger and in the coming weeks, you will see a movie selection on him. I already had everything covered for this installment and I can see that everyone is anxious for the Oscars. Just about every reader I am subscribed to has an oscar blog, I might do an Oscar edition after the Oscars where I will use past or current work from the winners but here are the 10 for this week.

Dracula (1958): I finally saw the Hammer version of the Bram Stoker which is a different story from the book and even the 1931 version. Peter Cushing and Christopher Lee become stars as both Dr. Van Helsing and Count Dracula. The characters in this story have different fates than usual and there is no Renfield nor is one needed in this story. This also focuses on the sexual feelings after a bite to the neck. I was also more creeped out by Lee moreso than I was Legosi though both performances are great. The final battle between Van Helsing and Dracula is more exciting than the one between them in the 1931 version which there really wasn't a battle. This one probably was too violent for American Cinema at the time but director Terrence Fisher created a great version.

Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street (2007): I FINALLY SAW IT!!!!! It took a month for this to come to the Muncie theaters and when I found out, I was there right away. Christopher Lee was going to be in this movie as well but things didn't work out and Tim Burton went into a little different direction anyways so this can be featured on this installment. This is probably my favorite musical and I have seen it both in Muncie and in Anderson. In Anderson, my friends Sean (Beadle Bamford), Daniel (Tobias), Glenn (Mr. Fogg), Kristin, Kelsey, Tyler, Pat, and Ashlee were in it and in Muncie, my friends Kristen C (Johanna), Kerry (Beggar Woman), Sean (Beadle once again), Corey (Tobias), Pat, Catlin, and Lauren. I don't go to the theaters often but this was absolutely worth it. Johnny Depp (of course) plays the title character and Helena Bonham Carter plays Mrs. Lovett. I had a lot of concern about Johnny Depp's singing abilities but surprisingly I ended up liking him, even singing. Both leads were very good. My next part of interest was with Alan Rickman as the corrupt Judge Turpin and I was interested in his approach to that role and he was good as always. Sacha Baran Cohen plays Pirelli, Sweeney's rival barber and was great in that role. I also liked the unknown casting of Anthony, Johanna, and Tobias. Jamie Brower plays the idealistic Anthony who saves Sweeney Todd's life and forms a dangerous crush with the Judge's daughter Johanna. Jayne Wisener plays Johanna, the adopted daughter of the Judge and actually makes a great film debut. Ed Sanders plays Toby which is referred to as Tobias on stage. This is one of the few times a child has been cast in this role. They don't usually do it on Broadway due to the work ethic but Tim Burton found a good kid to play this role and one who could sing pretty well. All three great casting choices. Now I'll get to the basic story. Sweeney Todd who was first Benjamin Barker had a great life with a wife and child until a corrupt judge stole his daughter, killed his wife and falsely exiles Sweeney to prison. Barker escapes, returns to London to take his revenge and people who are in the wrong place at the wrong time but his main revenge is towards the Judge and Beadle Bamford. He then goes to his old building to see that Mrs. Lovett runs a meat pie shop and forms a friendship with her while he has a barbershop upstairs and I'll say no more on that. This is partly based on a true story. Steven Sondheim wrote this musical and he ended up really liking this movie. If you liked this movie, and you see a stage version in or near your local town, I suggest you go check it out because it will be a great experience. Originally, Tim Burton was going to do THE BALLAD OF SWEENEY TODD and its many theater reprises with both Christopher Lee and Anthony Stewart Head but Burton felt it would be too theatrical and that might be true which will get mixed opinions. It still has the instrumental of the song. Thank you Tim Burton, if you ever read this, I had a lot of concerns but you did great and this will be a DVD purchase when it comes out.

Shane (1953): Now we go the route of the western and this one-word name title is arguably the best western of all time. Alan Ladd plays the title character who is a retired gunman with a seemingly dark past running into town and befriends a humble family of a husband, wife, and son. Van Heflin plays the father who is already having issues with some of the locals and takes in Shane for some help on the farm. Shane becomes a second-father figure for the young boy who develops a liking to Shane. Jack Palance plays a hired gun who now has Shane to deal with. It's interesting to watch the effect that Shane has on the family and sees that his life doesn't come to an end so easy and the means he will go to in order to save the family from death. Jean Arthur plays the wife who is fed up with the violence. It also has one of the most famous endings of all time.

Across the Pacific (1942): This movie reunited many people from THE MALTESE FALCON including director John Huston, Humphrey Bogart, Mary Astor, and Sydney Greenstreet. This movie does not live on with the same notoriety or quality but it still is worth watching. Bogart plays the role of Rick Leland who has recently been court-martialed out of the army and then boards a Japanese boat in 1941 which is where he stumbles onto a plot by the Japanese. This movie has an interesting anti-patriotic message to it though Leland is not an American traitor. I do not know when shooting began, this strangely happens around the time of Pearl Harbor and this movie has quite a bit of action for a movie of this era.

The Naughty Nineties (1945): This is an Abbott and Costello film which gave birth to the famous WHO'S ON FIRST routine which was performed by my friend Martin in the show BEEN THERE, SCENE THAT which I was in. Besides the title stars, Henry Travers plays the owner of a riverboat who is swindled out of his boat by some gamblers and Abbott and Costello must make things right leading into some hilarious moments. Possibly the best of the Abbott and Costello films.

The Emporer Jones (1933): I found this in my search for movies from the 30s on TCM and what a strange choice I ran into. Paul Robeson, possibly the best black actor of this era, plays Brutus Jones a railroad porter who ends up killing someone in a gamble dispute. He then does hard labor for a chain gang who escapes and finds his way to a Carribean island and becomes emporer of this island but is haunted by his past misdeeds. I was amazed by the number of times he said the N-word and the stir this might have caused towards the black race and even the white race. This is based on a play by Eugene O'Neil and is apparently quite different and it starred Robeson as the same character here. This is mostly of interest of how daring this movie was at the time.

Executioner 2 (1984): This is my Grindhouse selection for the week and no I have never seen EXECUTIONER PART 1. I'm not even going to name off any actors or directors, this is exactly what it sounds, a grindhouse selection on my DVD set I bought and you get some good laughs out of it no matter how unintentional. A vigilante going by the title nickname is going around and killing criminals which lowers the crime-rate to the dismay of both the police force who are being made to look bad and the criminal underworld. The acting was noticably horrible but that's why this is Grindhouse right? When people make these types of movies, I don't know what they are trying to get out of it, maybe just a way to make money but do they not see how bad these are? Watch this with some friends and have a night of laughs and if you're looking for your grindhouse selection, here you go. Expect more of these selections in the coming weeks.

The Loss of Sexual Innocence (1999): I found this strange Mike Figgis film on I believe HBO and this movie has some very mixed opinions. Maybe I enjoyed it more because I watched it shortly after my last selection. This is from the same director of LEAVING LAS VEGAS and while this movie is not as good, it's a pretty daring film and I admire Figgis for his guts to do a movie like this knowing he would not satisfy everyone but some might get something out of it. This is a non-linear story of a movie director from his childhood to his adult life and his sexual exploits among other things. This might need to be watched more than once. Julian Sands plays the role of the older Nic and has a lot of instrumental music including from Beethoven and limited dialogue. BOSTON LEGAL co-star Saffron Burrows plays one of his love interests.

Marvin's Room (1996): This is a screen adaptation to an Off-Broadway play written by Scott McPherson. This is a movie about a family who has been separated for years and are brought together because of cancer. Meryl Streep and Diane Keaton play sisters who haven't seen each other in years. Bessie (Keaton) comes down with Leukemia and needs to see if her sister Lee (Streep) is a match. Lee has her own troubles as a single mom trying to get her life together. Her oldest son Hank, played by Leonardo DiCaprio, is heading down the wrong path in life and starts to connect immediately with Bessie. Robert De Niro plays their doctor who is looking for a bone morrow transplant. This was a good, subtle performance from him. I like that he doesn't mind supporting roles, as long as they are good and this was one of his good roles even if short and reunites with many people he has worked with including the first three people mentioned. Look for SEX AND THE CITY alum Cynthia Nixon and also for Kelly Ripa as a soap star. This is a great movie about a family coming together that does not hit the label of depressing.

Bully (2001): I did not purposely choose this Brad Renfro film, I was just looking for something from this time period and thought this was perfect to watch. Brad Renfro, Nick Stahl, and Rachel Miner star in this movie where Brad Renfro plays Marty, a high school dropout and stoner and Nick Stahl plays Bobby, Marty's long-time friend and the one who is always degrading him both verbally and physically. Marty, his girlfriend and others get fed-up with his bully ways so they hatch a plan to kill him. This is apparently a true story of a middle to upper-class neighborhood showing that these kind of things can happen there. I will say there were some comedic moments that maybe I shouldn't have laughed at, I also had no idea this was based on a true story until I started writing this paragraph. I found this on the great IFC channel that we just got and I love this channel.

Honorable Non-Movie Mention: The Complete Calvin and Hobbes Collection: I did this with Bruce Campbell a couple weeks ago so now I do it with the complete book trilogy of my favorite comic strip growing up. I read these a lot as a kid and got the humor out of them but I didn't realize until reading them now how philosophical and political these cartoons are and which are just right for both kids and adults. Calvin is a elementary-school boy with an intelligence ahead of his time and an extreme imagination including his best (and seemingly only) friend Hobbes which is his stuffed tiger but he just seems to real. Bill Watterson wrote this comic-strip from 1985-1995 and never ran out of ideas but quit at the peak of its success. Some of my favorite moments are with Rosalyn the baby-sitter. Calvin hits home a lot with me to some of my beliefs. I always love the December comics where Calvin becomes morally-torn trying to be good for Santa Claus while still being himself. Long live Bill Watterson for managing to voice his frustration to society ideals of environmentalism, public education, and commercialism and still keep it pretty clean who also to my knowledge never had it aired as a cartoon special on television though it might have been interesting. He also never had toys of any kind released. Watterson also created some entertaining supporting characters like the mom, dad, Miss Wormwood, and Susie Derkins, could that have been a crush to the extreme that he had on her? Hey, go check some of this for you younger people who might only know Calvin by the car stickers with calvin pissing on a company or some other logo because those are just counterfeit.

Well, that is it for this week, leave your thoughts, what did you like, what do you not like and so on. RIP Heath Ledger and Brad Renfro. It's always sad when these people seem to have everything just throw it away, especially these youngsters. I'm sure Heath was a kid before he started acting and obviously Brad was a child actor and look what has happened to them. River Phoenix seemed to have caught whatever this is and why? One actor featured on here started as a kid and that is Leonardo DiCaprio. Some of you may not like his pretty-boy looks though he is a versatile actor but he never seemed to have any real extreme issues and has managed to have a very good career in film and earlier in television and is an environmentalist. Also, Nick Stahl who I also featured, started as a child, and I have never really heard anything about him in public either. A current child actor that I named was Ed Sanders who played Toby in SWEENEY TODD. He was quite good in that role and I hope he doesn't end up like many child actors have but many of the child actors have done fine but their stories just aren't as interesting but it is possible. And besides, you don't have to be a high-paid actor to be on drugs, it can happen to anyone. Those probably aren't the only two people of their age to have died a drug-related death in the last couple weeks. Well, I've said enough so I'll just leave it at that and I'll be back next week. Thank you to everyone once again who read my blogs.

“Meet the Spartans”
2008
BOMB out of ****
Director: Jason Friedberg, Aaron Seltzer
Cast: Sean McGuire, Carmen Electra, Ken Davitian


“Well, do you know what you want to eat?”
“A happy meal.”
“Stuart, it's a Chinese restaurant, they don't make the happy meal.”
“Then I hate the Chinese.”


Remember “United 93,” one of the movies taking place on the disgusting day of 9/11? We sat there watching it and tears flown from our eyes. Why am I bringing it up?

Because “United 93” was funnier than “Meet the Spartans” was.

Everyone obviously knows about the shit that goes on in a spoof film nowadays. Remember the good spoof films from back in the 70s and 80s. Zucker, Brooks, and Abrahams ruled the streets back in those days. There were so much humor back then that we can all relate to it. It wasn’t too pop culture-y and we all laughed. The parodies were humorous and made sense. It seems like ever since “Naked Gun 33 1/3,” the parodies didn’t make much sense. Leslie Nielsen starred in a shitty Dracula parody and we even saw a down-syndrome version of “Scream 2” that involved the Waynes kids. But the worst one that has come to recent memory is “Epic Movie.”

If you haven’t heard of “Epic Movie,” consider yourself lucky. It’s not every day that you can smile and say that the good lord didn’t gyp you. But for those who have heard of it and for the few who have seen it, you’re probably still having nightmares. Preceding “Epic Movie” was “Date Movie,” and sure, it blew chunks, but I forget it and so should you. “Epic Movie” was the worst spoof movie to come out of cinema since “Spy Hard,” and surprisingly, that starred Nielsen too…

But “Epic Movie” made money. I’ve learned ways to sell your product, and that is to have Carmen Electra turn blue, come up with the worst “Borat” impersonation ever, and contain a “twist” ending that you and the audience never saw coming. Unfortunately, if you did, you weren’t surprised, but that might have been the only thing that surprised me from such of a shitty film. And because it made money, they designed another movie, starring an unknown shitty artist (no really, listen to his stuff – it BLOWS), Carmen Electra, and the fat guy from “Borat.”

Most people who saw the trailer for the movie probably said “Oh, TonyD will hate this.” And… yeah… I said that too. Just not for the same reasons as everyone else. Sure, it looked unfunny, stupid, and homoerotic, but it was the farthest thing from what I was thinking of. I’m sure that not many of you guys are actually surprised, but I am also addicted to another thing that isn’t celluloid and porn, and it’s “MADtv.” Say what you want about it, but I really cannot get enough of the show. Unlike “Saturday Night Live,” which everyone likes besides me (and that is including its “so called” great-years), “MADtv” has the gonads and strife to make fun of pop culture events, and actually do it in a moreso hilarious way. Characters like Stewart (Michael McDonald) and impersonations like Connie Chung (Bobby Lee) are the reasons why I sleep at night.

You’re probably asking why am I bringing up “MADtv,” a great and hilarious sketch show, into a review for “Meet the Spartans,” a film that is the next best thing to a root canal and making love to your grandmom, but I can tell you that you can find “Meet the Spartans” on TV for free every day on Comedy Central, and you don’t even have to pay for it, and plus, the televised version is much more funnier! “Meet the Spartans” stars “MADtv” players Crista Flanagan, Nicole Parker, and my personal favorite Ike Barinholtz. Maybe those bastards striking can realize that this is the LAST resort when it comes to writers not being able to write some fine television moments. Christ, I didn’t even pay for the film… and I’m STILL asking for my money back (though I got it for a complete opposite reason).

If you know the plot of “300,” you don’t need to know the plot of “Meet the Spartans.” All the film is is a rip-off of the brilliant film. It adds in pop-culture such as Britney Spears, Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie, “American Idol,” “America’s Next Top Model,” Chris Crocker (who can go fuck himself), Gatorade, Sanjaya, and break-dancing. It’s offensive to all homosexual, women, and black people. I’m neither of the three, and I still was offended. All they needed was Alyson Hannigan playing an orphan and I would have walked next door to “Cloverfield,” but even she knew better than going into that shit.

And you know what? “Meet the Spartans” could be much funnier if it actually created jokes instead of re-enacting the same shit that computer geeks and teenagers already SAW on the computer. “Meet the Spartans” has a formula that goes from fart, dick, boob, black, and gay jokes. After the gay jokes end, fart jokes begin and we keep following that formula. Then we meet the characters and we’re already tired of them. I couldn’t even mutter those three words from “300,” that I screamed for the entire first month of release. Although, I’m really NOT surprised, since these bastards can’t even say ‘Sparta’ without showing off an English accent.

I could have even respected it much, much more if it actually made fun of events that we would remember for years to come, but who will remember Chris Crocker in five years? And who will even consider buying a Britney Spears CD in two years? It only makes “Meet the Spartans” look like an even bigger ass, since the film will be forgotten in two months. Hard-earned money goes into shit like this, and I pay two dollars for a cheeseburger at McDonalds. Something’s just NOT right.

I could go on and on about “Meet the Spartans,” but quite frankly, it’s not a conversation I like talking about. No doubt that it is terrible, but I’ve seen far worst. And what about that, January’s almost over, and I got a contender for best film of the year (“Cloverfield”) and worst film of the year. Psshaw, and people say January is SUCH a bad month.

And for all of those teenagers that I heard coming out of the movie saying “Best.Movie.Ever”…

Go.Fuck.Yourself.

Hey Arcaders and Arcateers!

Writer for FilmArcade and awesome film reviewer Shelley (or you guys know her as MissMovieFan) was interviewed by SisterDivas Magazine. She mentioned the site in her interview and we're just glad to be mentioned in such a site. Thank you Shelley and we're glad to have you on the team! Hopefully, this will be the first of many small steps to take about getting the word out.

To read the interview, go here: http://www.sisterdivasmagazine.net/media-missmoviefan.html

Welcome to Reviews from the Horror Chamber. I am your chamber keeper, Anthony Thurber. I need to get this off my chest.

Please note: What I’m about to say does not express the view of FilmArcade or its writers.

Will somebody tell me why I’m seeing website ads for Prom Night in late January when the film doesn’t come out until April 11th? I can understand it, if it was Cloverfield, The Dark Knight, or Hellboy 2, but for the remake for Prom Night? Come on, nothing says event movie like the remake of Prom Night! I don’t know why Hollywood needs to hype every other movie. I could understand if it had major stars or a major horror director attached to the project, but come on. I’ve seen the trailer and it doesn’t look that great. Oh, and by the way, it's rated PG-13 for those who care. This film would be lucky if it made 30 million at the box office.

Die And Let Live

Year: 2008
Director: Justin Channell
Stars: Joshua Lively, Zane Crosby, Sarah Bauer, and Ashley Goddard
MPAA Rating: Not Rated
Studio: Heretic Films
Running Time: 75Mins
Review Rating: 4 Stars

Official Website: http://www.iwcfilms.com/dieandletlive/main

Die and Let Live is about a hopeless romantic named Benny who throws a party with the help of his best friend Smalls. The idea behind the party was to woo the girl of his dreams, Stephanie. But that changes when a ferocious infected group of zombies decide to crash his party. Soon the two are fighting for their lives while trying to get away from the deadly virus that infecting people. Trent Hagga and Lloyd Kaufman also make cameos here.

Die and Let Live is one of the funniest horror-comedies that I’ve seen a while. Shaun of the Dead fans will enjoy this. Justin Channell’s direction of this film was very good for the most part. The main reason this succeeds, in my opinion, was the humor. I thought the comedy material in the film was funny. It kept my interest, as the humor wasn’t over the top or lame. The flashbacks scenes were very good and humorous. Channell along with stars Joshua Lively and Zane Crosby succeed in writing the film’s funny dialogue. The horror aspect of it was all right, as all you bloodthirsty zombie fans will no problem with the gore factor. There are no real scares in the film, but it’s not supposed to be a suspenseful and pulse pounding zombie film. If you’re going into it that way then this is not the zombie film for you. The filmmaker also added a very good ska soundtrack to the film. It helped the fact that this wasn’t a serious zombie film and made it enjoyable. The acting in this film is good. The actors did a good job hitting their comedic notes very well and their chemistry was very good.

Die and Let Live is part zombie film, part teen comedy that provides a lot of laughs. Please note: Die and Let Live will be out on DVD this Tuesday.


The Blood Shed

Year: 2007
Director: Alan Rowe Kelly
Stars: Alan Rowe Kelly, Terry M. West, and Joshua Nelson
MPAA Rating: Not Rated
Studio: Heretic Films
Running Time: 75Mins
Review Rating: 3.5 Stars
Official Website: http://www.thebloodshed.net/




The Blood Shed is about a southern psychotic family known as the Bullion family living in North Jersey. This is not your typical average family, as they don’t fit in with the locals. They can’t stand their day-to-day aggravations with the locals. Soon their youngest one (Alan Rowe Kelly (who’s also the director of this film)) is having a birthday party and Papa (Terry M. West (director of Flesh for the Beast and Lord of the G-Strings)) is looking to abducted people in order to please his youngest one for her birthday party. Soon everyone is invited to her party as it becomes out of control when deviant behavior and murder erupts. The film has played in various festivals including It Came From Lake Michigan and Rue Morgue’s Festival of Fear.

The Blood Shed is a surprisingly good and twisted throwback to the exploitation/grindhouse genre. I thought Alan Rowe Kelly did a very good job directing and writing the screenplay for the film. The screenplay does a good job incorporating elements of strange characters that are usually found in John Walter’s movies, as the Bullion clan is one of the most sick and twisted families that I’ve seen, in the horror genre while using the shocking aspects of horror genre and levels of gore very well, Gorehounds won’t be disappointed here. There’s also some dark humor in this film, which was also surprisingly good and well placed in this film. It also helped made the main characters more demented. The actors dug the material in which they were given. They had good chemistry with each other and looked that liked they were having a good time making the film.

The Blood Shed is a shockingly demented horror film that will make you think twice before messing with the Bullion family.

Bikini Bloodbath

Year: 2007
Director: Jon Gorman and Thomas Edward Seymour
Stars: Debbie Rochon, Leah Ford, and Russ Russo
MPAA Rating: Not Rated
Studio: Bloodbath Pictures
Running Time: 73 Mins
Review Rating: 3 Stars
Official Website: http://www.bikinibloodbath.com/

Bikini Bloodbath is the 1st installment of a planned eight part series. The film follows a group of hot gorgeous woman on their last day of high school. The women decide to have a slumber party to celebrate their graduation. Lurking in the shadows is a psychopathic chef (Robert Cosgrove) who’s on a killing spree throughout the town. Soon, he crashes their party, and tries to turn their party into a slaughterhouse.

You got to know that it’s either a fun and cheesy b-movie or awfully bad movie, if in the title sequence it says under Writers/Directors, Who the fuck cares. Thankfully, Bikini Bloodbath was fun to watch. The essentials of plot and character development are non-existent here but at least the film looked like it was made professionally made and not on a home camcorder like Stupid Teenagers Must Die. I thought directors Jon Gorman and Thomas Edward Seymour did a good job with the directing aspects of the film, especially having their actors overact their roles. Usually, it hurts a film but here it works very well, as it contributes to the film’s humor. Their screenplay did a good job spoofing the characters of teen and slasher films, as they made them clueless and laughable, in a good way. The humor of this film was very good, as the filmmakers and actors didn’t take themselves very seriously. At the end of the day, it gives that 80’s cheesy b-movie feel. This film makes me wonder, if the filmmakers were inspired by the Slumber Party Massacre movies of the 1980s?

If you’re looking for plot and character development, see another horror film otherwise if you like hot babes and mindless slasher fun, Bikini Bloodbath is the film for you.

If you’re interested in having your horror film reviewed in the horror chamber, you reach the Chamber Keeper himself at Anthonythurber@filmarcade.net or the head of Film Arcade TonyD@filmarcade.net

That’s it for this week’s edition of Reviews From the Horror Chamber. In next week’s edition, I will be reviewing the Jessica Alba’s latest film, The Eye. Until then, have a frightening week.

Starring: Johnny Depp, Orlando Bloom, Keira Knightley, Billy Nighy, Geoffrey Rush

Directed by: Gore Verbinski

Written by: Ted Eliott, Terry Rossio

Movie: 2

Film: 2

The title is pretty accurate. This movie seems to last just that long. The third part in the series, this movie begins where we left off in the swamp. They set off to rescue Jack from Davy Jones’ locker for each of their own reasons. Meanwhile Jack spends the summer in overacting camp, perfecting his drama class monologue wherein he impersonates someone with schizophrenia. Pottery class would have been so much easier for me to sit through, Jack.

The strength (if you can call it that) of the first two movies is the light heartedness and off kilter sense of humor as well as the beautifully choreographed fight sequences. They never took themselves too seriously. Here, something has changed. Something has gone horribly, horribly wrong. They have introduced a sense of importance. It is as if they were trying to make a “good” movie rather than a “fun” one. One needs look no further than the injection of multiple inspirational speeches. God I hate those. Is there anything to take you out of your suspension of disbelief faster than someone who commands attention as the music swells, pumps their arm in the air, raises their voice and urges everyone to fight? This rarely works. And “Pirates” is no “Henry V.” From a movie like “Pirates” I don’t want to hear anything approaching “once more into the breach!” unless it is a play on words to make a joke about the britches of a pirate prostitute. Gravitas has no place in movies like this. Lighten up.

The other issue I had with this movie was how painful it was. Yes, I mean that literally. I had to go to the bathroom so badly but I waited because it felt like it was almost over. Repeatedly. By the time it finally finished for real, I could barely walk to the bathroom. Granted they didn’t make me stay, but all the false endings certainly share in some of the blame. The multiple endings were kind of annoying but in my condition, I went to a new level of being cheesed off. I had to bite my lip to prevent a turrets like tirade of “shut the fuck up barracuda face” to Elizabeth Swan from spewing forth from my mouth. All the discomfort did give me an idea though. Does physical discomfort give you a more accurate reaction to a film than idle comfort would? Does it make the plot holes and poor dialogue more obvious and memorable in one’s mind or does it make a passable movie almost unbearable? I don’t know. But I do know I was pretty damn happy to walk out of that theatre. Even if it was like an 80 year old woman.

What did I like? Billy Nighy is still the star of the show with his spot on delivery and sexy Scottish villainy. Anyone who can make a face covered in tentacles more watchable than half the pretty faces around them is a hell of an actor. I also liked a lot of the action sequences. I did not find them quite a pleasing as some of the sequences in the second film, but a few were pretty fun. Most seemed overdone with CGI, which is a shame. Some of the best stuff was just swordplay and cheeky humor.

What didn’t I like? I still don’t care for the whole Elizabeth and Will love. Keira Knightly looked like she resented being in the movie for most of the time, and Orlando Bloom was his usual bland self. I find it hard to believe anyone was willing to follow them to the dinner table much less the ends of the Earth. Jack Sparrow is also starting to wear on the nerves, but I still like the way Johnny Depp commits to a character. As for the plot, it is a wet, hot, scurvy mess. The whole goddess plot seems like they pulled it out of the ass cheeks of the guy standing in left field. It doesn’t really jive with the rest of the series. The plot seems poorly thought out and executed as well. Why does Davy Jones have difficulty taking back his heart? I half expected him to submit to swirlies on the East Indian Company’s command. How could someone so fierce become so pitiable in such a short amount of time? It was a waste of Nighy’s talent and a waste of time.

Overall, I can’t in good conscious recommend the movie to anyone. Maybe you could waste the day watching it on cable (with commercial breaks it would be 4 and a half hours, so wasting the day wouldn’t really be much of an exaggeration). However, I think the only real reason to watch this is to feed your OCD and complete the trilogy. Some of the effects make it worth the effort, but mostly watching the movie is effort enough.

Saw IV

Review By: Kelsey Zukowski
Starring: Lyriq Bent, Tobin Bell, Costas Mandylor, Scott Patterson, Athena Karkanis, Donnie Whalberg, Shawnee Smith
Directed By: Darren Lynn Bousman
Written By: Patrick Melton, Marcus Dunstan
Released: 2007
Grade: B+

The Saw Franchise has become one of the more successful series in the horror genre today. With in the last few years, it has become a tradition hence the line, “If it’s Halloween, it must be Saw”. The first film was very innovative and through out all of the sequels it remains supreme. The second was somewhat of a let down as the deaths became more systematic and answered to audience demands by giving more blood. The ending was very weak and was just a set up to have another film. The third improved on this and at least the traps became more elaborate. Saw IV is the best Saw film since the first. It brings back some of the ideals that made the first film so good like testing the limits of human strength.

Jigsaw (Bell) is dead yet the games don’t stop there. Inside of his stomach another tape is found. This tape is for the next victim, Rigg (Bent), the last standing F.B.I. agent who has stood his ground against Jigsaw’s crazy and brutal antics. Rigg knows the patterns and the severity of what he is living with. He is put through a number of tests to question his abilities and what may hold them back. These include saving people who have done wrongs in the past and are thought to be “not worth saving”. It is clear that this is more than the typical test that Rigg is going through. He is putting himself on the line in order to save others. This desire is because of Officer, Eric Matthews (Whalberg), who has gone missing on one of Jigsaw’s schemes. It has been 6 months, but there is still hope that Matthews may still be alive. This puts the stakes even higher for Rigg. If he can get through all of the tests they might lead him to finding and saving Matthews from the horrible fate he might face otherwise.

This film did seem like the writers tried to put more back in the story. It can be hard to keep something like this going strong, but Saw IV succeeds on this level. Jigsaw is dead as well as his initial follower, Amanda (Smith). So he is trying to recruit a new leader that can make his ideals live on. The attempt for this is shown through Rigg. He is put in situations with those who have committed immoral acts and is told that their survival is out of his hands anyway. This reinforces Jigsaw’s ideas of the immoral paying for their sins and seeing if they can survive by their own human instincts. In the extremely painful and severe circumstances, it is nearly impossible for anyone to be able to accomplish these tasks. Amanda is the only person who ever was able to do this out of many who tried and miserably failed. There is a situation in Saw IV where one man has been blinded and the other man in the room has been deafened. They are stripped of communication as well basic senses which could help them to survive. About the only elements of human nature comes out; a revenge which is literally and figuratively like killing one self.

One interesting thing is that at some points Rigg’s desperation puts him in a worse position than he is already in. Obsession is a major theme here. His wife is frustrated because he is almost always at work and even when he is not he is mentally there. Rigg is partially being tested on whether he can let go or live in the past and let it to allow his every action. This may not just apply to him either. Jigsaw has an obsession with the games that he forces others in to. Nearly the same outcome happens every time. If it is just about proving his theories, he has accomplished that long ago. He insists on doing this so much that it becomes his life. Even when he is going to die, he can’t let this system go.

This brings me to another point, a lot more is offered in this film on Jigsaw’s past. Flashback’s are used that show us that there was a time when he wasn’t so sick and grim as he once was. When he was with his ex-wife they had ideals about appreciating life. With the combination of his diagnosis of cancer, getting in a violent accident, and losing his future son due to a drug addict who attacked his wife, he becomes the dark Jigsaw. He thought if he didn’t get to keep his life and if his child couldn’t even have a chance at life then maybe others shouldn’t have the chance at life either. Especially for those who have done wrong and possibly lost their appreciation for the chances they have had and abused like the one who took his child’s life. This led to a deeply dark approach that humans should prove their survival skills to go on surviving. The film shows Jigsaw as he is changing. It gives a sense of morality to his character while still showing evils that are brewing inside of him and will later be used on others. Saw IV is not quite as good as the first, but it is brought back to its’ roots. There is better character development and the bases that made those characters in to what they are. The story is solid and it is interesting how it has found a way to live on. The gore is of course very extreme and out does itself. With a saw film it is always entertaining to see what new traps will be shown. Saw IV displays creativity and great severity in the devices used this time. They are gruesome and hard to watch yet raise the tension and heighten the intense tone immensely. Saw IV adds a solid story line to the great gore and complex characters to make a very ideal horror film and the best Saw sequel yet.

Note: Everywhere I look the release date of this movie is different. IMDB has it as 1973. Wikipedia has it as 1972. My date comes directly off of the After Hours Cinema website.

Writer/Director: Shaun Costello
Star: Harry Reems

Harry Reems plays a no-named Vietnam Vet/rapist/serial killer with PTSD and suffers from flashbacks. Along with that comes his need to make up enemies and kill them as a way to deal with the pain. So, he uses his job at the local gas station to get girls' addresses. Once he gets their info it's on to the stalking, raping and finally the slashing. He uses the old "We don't take cash here, I need a credit card along with your address for verification" bit... amateur. (read more)

“Ratatouille”
2007
**** out of ****
Director: Brad Bird
Cast: Patton Oswald, Ian Holm, Lou Romano


Last time I saw a movie that made me stand up and cheer was “V For Vendetta.” It was a full year and a quarter after that I had the pleasure of seeing “Ratatouille.” Looking back, I kind of feel like a douchebag when I wrote a column on my MySpace blog last Summer that was called “Summer 007 – The Ones Everyone Will See and the Ones That I Will Hate.” I was still mad over “Cars,” which was bland and mediocre to say the least. But I failed to look at one name in the credits before writing that very article…

His name is Brad Bird.

Bird was originally a consultant of the hit animated sitcom “The Simpsons” before coming to the film industry. After that, he did “The Iron Giant,” or the movie that I still haven’t gotten around to see. Five years later, he put out the very Pixar film that owned you and everyone around you – “The Incredibles.” It had EVERYTHING – superheroes that we all wanted to be, villains that were threatening for once, and Samuel L. Jackson. It is still one of the best animated movies that I’ve seen since “South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut.”

His next project was a movie called “Ratatouille,” an animated Pixar film that takes on the risky subject of a rat working on food in the kitchen. Lord knows how much rats make one frightened, but I can’t begin to say how much one of my biggest fears are to eat a bowl of pasta with a rat walking out with a little bit of sauce on the cheek of it’s ass-crack. I said “Ratatouille” couldn’t be done, and Bird proved me wrong. I have nothing to say but nice work… oh, and everything else in the review.

Remy the Rat (Patton Oswald) has a keen sense of smell, unlike the other rats. Most rats would dig through trash and be pleased with it, but Remy likes the taste of a good meal. His hero is Gusteau (Brad Garrett), a professional chef who owns his own restaurant in the heart of Paris. Gusteau’s famous line, “Anyone Can Cook,” helps Remy understand what he wants to be – a professional chef. There’s only one problem – he’s in the middle of country-lands where there is a gun-swinging old lady who will blow fucking heads off. Did I just use the f-word in a review for a children’s movie? Shame on me…

Anyway, Remy’s dream kind of comes true when he is separated by his family during a flood. He ends up in the sewers located in Paris, and walks right through the door of his hero’s restaurant. Apparently, Gusteau died after reading a review by the vicious food critic Anton Ego (Peter O’Toole). The restaurant, now ran by Skinner (Ian Holm), has been going through the shits. Skinner is doing frozen dinner meals and it seems like that none of the cooks are in positive moods anymore. Linguini (Lou Romano) comes walking in one day with a note saying asking for work. And he gets work, but as a janitor. When Remy messes around with some spices, Linguini receives the credit and is now works as a chef. But when Ego finds out about this, he comes knocking on the door, asking for some food.

We watch Remy and Linguini’s relationship evolve through the movie. Linguini is credited as a great chef as Remy does the cooking. It seems like Remy doesn’t even care about not being crediting half the time, because he’s living his dream. He’s introduced to all of these new spices while working at the restaurant and since Linguini doesn’t know how to do shit, they form a team. It’s a partnership that cannot be broken.

The plot of “Ratatouille” is much more complicated as it seems, especially for a children’s film. I sat there mesmerized how I could be so wide-eyed with the story of “Ratatouille.” It’s a film that should be for kids, but I’m glad that older people would get much more out of it. Out of the many scenes, I feel that the one scene that every adult will like is the scene as Anton Ego walks into the restaurant. These few moments didn’t only signal the reason why I liked the movie so damn much, but Anton Ego ended up to have the same look on his face after his meal ended as I had when the movie ended.

But the critic of Anton Ego is the most complex character here. A man like Ego was obviously inspired by the single greatest film critic of all-time, Roger Ebert. He plays around with words so that only the brightest can understand where he is coming from, which makes me stand up and applause. Only unlike Ebert, Anton Ego can be described as a critic who is respected by no one, which only adds to his personality. Restaurant owners cringe at the name whenever they hear it, and as he walks into the room of the restaurant, we cringe at the thought of what Ego will be thinking of the food.

Still, “Ratatouille” makes my heart warm the most out of all the films released in 2007, 2006, and 2005 put together. I watched “Ratatouille” thinking that I would come out as mad as I would have if I came out of a Tom Cruise flick that didn’t have him strapped to a chair with dental tools sitting next to him. But I was relatively surprised with one of the biggest aspects of the film. The Academy nominated “Ratatouille” for best screenplay, best score, best animation, best sound mixing, and best sound editing, and does it deserve in each of those categories.

I really can’t add onto anything else that has been said by others about the animation taking place in “Ratatouille,” but boy it sure looks fine. For much of the time, you don’t even realize that the film is animation and you begin to think that you’re looking at a photograph of Paris. Best part about it? They got everything right, including the Eiffel Tower.

“Ratatouille” was nominated for best animated film of 2007, but as typing this review, could it have easily been nominated for Best Picture? I left “Ratatouille,” surprised and happy, but nothing sums the movie up better than the quote used by Anton Ego at the end of the film…

“In many ways, the work of a critic is easy. We risk very little yet enjoy a position over those who offer up their work and their selves to our judgment. We thrive on negative criticism, which is fun to write and to read. But the bitter truth we critics must face is that in the grand scheme of things, the average piece of junk is more meaningful than our criticism designating it so. But there are times when a critic truly risks something, and that is in the discovery and defense of the new. The world is often unkind to new talent, new creations, the new needs friends.”

“Enchanted”
2007
**** out of ****
Director: Kevin Lima
Cast: Amy Adams, James Marsden, Patrick Dempsey


So after my great-grandparents were tragically killed in a car accident, I decided to take myself out for a little bit of fun. And what better way to start off my day when you go to the movies. I really wanted to see “No Country for Old Men” again, but I don’t know about seeing a madman killing people and seeing if that will try and cheer me up. “Enchanted” was really the only movie someone can watch and smile over at the time. While the trailer was horrible, it doesn’t mean that the movie was horrible. Actually, it was pretty damn good.

And fun.

God do I hate using that f-word...

Giselle (Amy Adams) is looking for nothing but love. Prince Edward (James Marsden) is looking for nothing but a big ogre. While chasing the ogre down, it stops at Giselle’s little shack and tries to hurt her, but then (if I remember correctly), he slays the beast. Giselle and Edward fall in love, and decide to marry the next day. There’s one problem with that. Edward’s mom, Queen Narissa (Susan Sarandon), is wicked witch who doesn’t want to see her son get married to anyone. So Wedding Day, Narissa throws Giselle into a world far, far away from her world. She ends up coming up a sewer… in Times Square.

Let’s stop there for a moment and let’s begin describing this ten minute prologue. This is a Disney fairy-tale. I’ve been waiting for another one of these for god knows when, and I’m glad that they began it with animation. It’s beautiful looking, just like “The Little Mermaid” and “Aladdin” (only a little bit more modern, but “Enchanted has a good decade and a few more years on those films). Would I have liked a full-length animated fairy-tale film? Of course, but this ten minute prologue works. While you can’t really make a fairy-tale universe using live-action (unless if you’re Rob Reiner), you can always make the fairy-tale universe with animation and a little bit of CGI. You can’t really make Times Square that much prettier with animation either, so Disney has chosen the red pill over the blue pill thankfully.

But back to the premise. Giselle meets up with David (Patrick Dempsey) and his daughter (Rachel Covey) from his previous wife. There’s a big difference between Giselle and David. Giselle is one of those people who believe in true love and love at first sight. David doesn’t, but he has a reason towards it. He deals with people who go through the same shit every day. Add onto his wife leaving him and he has as much of an excuse than Britney Spears does. David, thinking that Giselle is a bit cuckoo, lets her stay overnight with one exception – leave his child alone (just because he thinks Giselle is off her meds when she tells him that she’s really a princess). Prince Edward falls into the well, hoping that he can save Giselle from the evil world that is called New York City.

As I’m giving you a lot of information here, “Enchanted” is a love hexagon. Prince Edward is in love with Giselle, also loved by David, who thinks he loves Nancy (Idina Menzel). The only thing that is keeping Prince Edward to be married with Giselle is Narissa, who sends Nathaniel to poison Giselle with an apple (sound familiar?). Nathaniel thinks that if he does this, he can gain Narissa’s heart. The plot is not as complex as it sounds as I type this, because even the littlest of kids could understand a film like this. There’s only one villain in this film, whereas in “Spider-Man 3,” there are three intentional villains and Peter Parker who is a villain himself.

When we are with James Marsden and his chipmunk, we are never bored. They hold our attention the entire film. Surprisingly, while the worst parts in the trailer were his character, he may have just been the best part of the film. The chipmunk is a character itself, but without Marsden, the chipmunk wouldn’t be I even a third as interesting as what the final product was. Their partnership was so great that I even think that they beat the partnership between Simon Pegg and Nick Frost in “Hot Fuzz.” Hell, I’ll take it one step farther and say it beats Starsky and Hutch…

Okay maybe not THAT far.

Even though that Amy Adams isn’t the best part of the film, she does add a lot of heart to the film. I don’t exaggerate when I say a lot. While the goofy character that James Marsden is, she is loveable and caring, and we are the same way back. As cynical and raging as I am, I’m really surprised how much I can believe that what her character says about love. Since she lives in one of those fairy-tales, it’s understood why a princess will believe in a true love’s kiss. If you have seen “Junebug,” you already know what Adams is capable of when she’s acting. If you don’t, you can always start here. She gives a great performance nonetheless.

“Enchanted” has some excellent music. My favorite song out of the whole bunch is “That’s How You Know.” It sounds like “Kiss the Girl” from “The Little Mermaid” and reminded me a lot of the musical number in “Clerks 2” for some odd reason. Within weeks of seeing it, I still have it playing it on my Dell Jukebox nonstop. The voices are excellent as well, especially Amy Adams. I guess it was a hidden talent of hers that should have been unleashed into the world before Pamela Anderson’s ass cheeks. “That’s How You Know,” “Happy Working Song,” and “So Close” were all nominated for Best Song in the Academy Awards.

The only fault that I actually had with this movie when I saw it was the performance by the “love-interest” of Dempsey’s character, played by Idina Menzel. She just looks like she doesn’t want to be there and she doesn’t really have much to play around with. She’s only in the movie when it calls for her to be there, and being that she’s only there just to add space, she shouldn’t have been there to begin with. I know many people will shank me (even Menzel herself, because I loved her in “Rent” and I don’t really give a flying fuck what you think about that), but she doesn’t really add much here. Keep playing Amanda Bynes, Menzel, and you won’t get anywhere in Hollywood.

“Enchanted” is a fun way to waste two hours. Over the holiday season, if you are looking for a good movie, stick away from Alvin and his chipmunk buddies and hang around with Prince Edward and his chipmunk buddy. Trust me, you and your money will thank me later.

Oh, and P.U., while you’re watching “Enchanted,” look for ALL of the Disney princess references. Try and spot them all. I dare you.

Well, it has been an interesting couple of weeks going into 2008. January actually provided us with one really good movie in “Cloverfield,” and the Oscar nominations were announced and many (but not all) got their die from the Academy. However, much of that has been shadowed by tragedy. We lost a couple of actors who left us with some great work, and yet they also left us way too soon. It’s a reminder of just how unfair life can seem.

Like all of you, the death of Heath Ledger was such a shock that it seemed almost unbelievable. I kept hearing people talk about him while I was passing the halls of my cubicle dungeon, and I wondered why people were talking about him so much in the first place. Then one of my colleagues who was sitting right across from me found out that Heath had died, and my eyes were wide open. I immediately checked out the CNN.com website, and saw it right there on the front page. I was shocked and infuriated all at the same time. How dare we lose another young actor so soon! I haven’t felt that strongly about any actor’s death since Christopher Penn died about a year ago. I remember talking about it with a friend of mine, and we both agreed:

“This blows!”

When it comes to the death of celebrities, we almost always remember where we were when we got the news of their demise. My dad keeps telling me that the day John Lennon died was the saddest day of his life. It was so senseless what happened to him, and like many others, my dad had just about every vinyl record made by the Beatles (he has since upgraded to CDs). I remember reading about River Phoenix’s death in the newspaper while my mom was talking to me about something (I don’t remember what). Seeing that, I couldn’t speak for about a minute. I refused to believe at the time that his death was drug related, thinking that River would be too smart to fall into that pit of self-destruction. Shows you what I knew back then.

Heath Ledger’s and Brad Renfro’s collective deaths will now be forever burned into my conscious mind for as long as I live. The tragedy of two young people gone at such a young age is something that seems impossible to get completely over. Many complain that lots of people die young and don’t get anywhere near the same amount of publicity. As a result, many see this as saying that these two actors are way more important than anyone else. I say bullshit to that, and I don’t think anyone else out there wants to put a lesser meaning on those who have passed in the same manner. It’s just that we can’t help but feel this way about Heath and Brad because whether we knew them personally or not, they were a big part of our lives whether we wanted them to be or not. We felt like we knew them, even if their personal lives are really none of our business.

Heath’s death feels especially tragic in that he was an actor who had finally come into his own thanks to his astounding performance in “Brokeback Mountain.” This was a performance he must have been impatiently waiting to give. He had spent the last couple of years beforehand sabotaging his career with several crappy movies so that he could break out of the teen heartthrob that the studios wanted to sell him as. But like Johnny Depp, he didn’t want to be seen as a product. With “Brokeback Mountain,” he managed to break out of that mold forever, and we were eager to see what he would do next.

Ever since laying eyes on his interpretation of The Joker in this summer’s “The Dark Knight,” I have no doubt that his performance will be nothing short of astonishing. While Jack Nicholson’s version of The Joker in Tim Burton’s “Batman” was a hoot to say the least, you already got the sense that Ledger’s take is more than likely to stand on its own. Now that Heath has died, watching his performance in that movie will seem all the more eerie.

It was hard to find the words how I felt about all of this. It seems clear now that there was an obscene amount of presumption on the part of the press in assuming (but not knowing) how he died. We are in no position to make assumptions on anybody’s death until we have all the facts. Just because there were sleeping bills and a rolled up $20 dollar bill next to bed seemed license enough to see Ledger as another actor who got caught up in a world of drugs that ended up destroying him completely. I don’t typically read the news as much as I used to, and that’s mainly because I don’t believe much of anything that is told to me anymore. I try to reserve judgment when it comes to situations like this because what I end up thinking about it ends up saying more about me than anyone else. That also goes for anyone who rushed to judge Heath in an unfair manner.

My guess is that Heath died of a sudden heart attack. I hear he was having trouble sleeping to the point where he was getting about 2 hours of sleep a night while making “The Dark Night.” I have heard some say that you can’t die from insomnia, but there has got to be a point where the body just gives out and can’t take anymore. The same thing happened years ago to comedian Robin Harris who you remember from Spike Lee joints like “Do The Right Thing” or “Mo Better Blues.” He went without sleep for days and days, and then one day he went to sleep and never woke up. Now there was another talented man who went before his time.

Now some may have seen Brad Renfro’s death coming from a mile away, but I doubt that. Granted, he had become more famous for his run ins with the laws and for his substance abuse problems than anything else. But if you peel that back a little, you will find a very strong film actor who was no flash in the pan. Many may know him best from “The Client” which is one of many John Grisham adaptations made back in the 1990’s, and he was plucked from obscurity by Joel Schumacher to be cast in the role of a young boy who witnesses a murder. It was a strong debut, and he did a lot of great work after that.

Another strong performance from Brad was in the movie “Apt Pupil,” a Bryan Singer movie that was an adaptation of a Stephen King novel/short story. I actually didn’t care for the movie that much, but the performances were very strong regardless. Brad more than held his own with Ian McKellan as a high school student who discovers that he is living right near a man who was a member of the Nazi party, and who participated in the execution of many Jews in the death camps. Renfro never shied away from portraying the darker aspects of a character who was just a young teenage boy who proved to be wise beyond his years.

But the performance I remember him best for was in Larry Clark’s “Bully.” It was no surprise that this was a very controversial movie, as it was directed by the same man who helmed the highly controversial “Kids,” a movie as brilliant as it was psychologically damaging to sit through. Here, Brad played a high school dropout named Marty who has no real direction in life, and who is endlessly harassed by his “best friend” Bobby Kent (Nick Stahl) who has been treating Marty like his kicking toy since he was a little kid. It’s a very raw performance by Brad, as he plays a kid who has nothing around him to really challenge him as an individual, and who eventually finds a desperate solution to his problem by taking the life of the supposed friend who never stopped abusing him. You despised Marty for what he and his friends for what they did, and yet you feel the tragedy of the character for not knowing a better solution to his problems. Brad totally immersed himself into the character to where you couldn’t tell if he was acting or not.

Brad continued to do a lot of great work in independent movies like “Ghost World” and others that were not seen by many upon their initial release. Who knows what he could have done had he lived.

Seeing Brad and Heath leave us so suddenly is frustrating beyond all repair and infuriating as hell. Hopefully, history will look on them kindly as two young actors who did great work and who left indelible marks in the world of cinema that are not easily forgotten. Their loss is felt deeply and will not be easily forgotten.

Rest in peace Heath Ledger and Brad Renfro.

Starring: Emile Hirsch, Marcia Gay Harden, William Hurt, Hal Holbrook

Written & Directed by Sean Penn

Movie: 4

Film: 4

I tried something a little different for this review. I wrote this in the car immediately after the film when it was still raw and emotional for me. In the light of day, I see that it reads more like a comparison paper for high school English, but overall, I still agree with its sentiment. It has been almost a month since I wrote this, but I still feel the same way when I think about the film.

****Major spoilers in this review

Chris McCandless (Emile Hirsch) feels as if he is fragmented from the world and the people in it. Desperate to find his true happiness, he destroys all that has defined him in the past and sets out to find that which defines who he truly is. Chris first meets a hippy couple riding a rough patch in their relationship. Her aching heartache over the disappearance of her own sun into the world radiates off her. Chris acts as a surrogate son to bridge that gap between silent suffering and healing. When she opens herself to her partner Rainey, it is with the strength her surrogate son has given her.

Chris next moves onto South Dakota to experience life with Wayne (Vince Vaughn). Here he acts as a surrogate conscience and as a confidante. Wayne is who Chris would like to be. He clearly admires Wayne. For a brief time Chris experiences the surrogacy of safety and friendship.

At this point, Chris is again restless. He seeks the surrogacy of nature. The love and freedom he has only experienced in books. He yearns for it. So he sets out on the rapids, riding the water as long as he can. After an intense dust storm at the end of the river blows away his kayak, Chris accepts that his surrogate is sending him back to the urban world. However Chris’ brief foray into Los Angeles shuts him down as the city closes in around him. The audience can feel the claustrophobia of it. The sense that he doesn’t belong is palpable.

So Chris sets off again, this time meeting up with Ray (Hal Holbrook). Here he becomes a surrogate child once again. Once more he brings love into the life of someone but refuses to take any of that love back into his own life. Ray reaches out to Chris, trying to ground him but Chris needs to seek his own surrogacy once again from nature. This time it is Alaska. Chris feels the love he seeks can only be found and received from Alaska.

At first Chris makes out all right in Alaska. He lives in a converted bus, killing small prey and subsisting on rice. It is in this harsh and beautiful land that Chris finds the peace that has always been missing. He finds the love and freedom he has been craving and he becomes trapped by it. When he reaches this peace, he sets out to return to civilization only to find that this last surrogacy cannot be broken. Unlike Ray, Rainey, or Wayne, Mother Nature does not let go so easily.

With the river impassable, Chris must settle in and wait for the swelling river to shrink. With food scarce, Chris attempts to forage for food. However the hungry are not always as sharp and careful as they should be. It is Chris’ carelessness that does him in.

It is only when Chris realizes that nature brings as much freedom and confinements as all other trips in life that Chris can make his final peace with life. But when he finally understands that love and happiness are things that must be shared to be fully experienced, that is when Chris’ loneliness begins to undo him. By then it is too late to live but in a way, he has finally healed.

Chris, or at least Emile’s portrayal of Chris, reminds me so much of my brother. There is an effortless charm and likeability to Emile. His smile is disarming and comforting. There is a trust and peacefulness in his demeanor. That is how I think of my brother and I found Chris’ loneliness at the end almost unbearable because of these similarities. It was as if that was my brother on the screen. If my brother had been interested in Alaska, perhaps he would have been on a similar path. There was so much of my brother in Chris that I have never felt more alone or separated