It is now the beginning of 2009, and you know what that means right? The Best of 2008 lists! (And Worst of 2008 lists!) I’m sure that I and a whole shitload of critics will agree – 2008 was one of the worst years for film in recent memory, but when there were great films, they stuck to the audience for a long time. Without further ado, I’ll begin with the Ten Worst Films of 2008, and oh god I really felt like doing more than ten.


10. “Seven Pounds” – Remember how awesome Will Smith was a few years ago? He was the only reason why “Bad Boys II” was watchable and he held his own all by himself for most of “I Am Legend.” Now, it’s hard enough for him to hold a film. Between “Hancock” and “Seven Pounds,” I’m starting to question why Will Smith went from the rap industry to the film industry. “Seven Pounds” was so horrifically terrible that it screams failure all over it. The first ten minutes are laughably bad, and it doesn’t improve at all. Then comes the worst ending of 2008, and “Seven Pounds” makes number ten on my list. I had to come home immediately after this movie just to get the stink off of me.

9. “The Happening” – Early reviews began popping in about Shyamalan’s first R-rated film called “The Happening,” and they weren’t pretty. I thought that it couldn’t be THAT bad. So I went through all of Shyamalan’s films and examined just how they were. The only little bit of evidence that I got out of the Shyamalan Experiment is that there must always be a twist. The twist in “The Happening”? Umm… plants are causing people to kill themselves? Add that with a moody Zooey Deschanel and Mark Wahlberg talking to a fake plant, begging it not to make him go crazy, and “The Happening” gets a spot on the list.

8. “The Love Guru” – You know that this year was terrible if “The Love Guru,” the new film starring Mike Myers, is only at number eight. “The Love Guru” has not a single redeemable quality to it. It’s not funny, it’s offending, and it’s boring. But what really got me mad about the film was not the unfunny schlock that “The Love Guru” was, or how offending Guru Pitka was, or how boring the film was, but how Mike Myers tries to set-up the film around playoff hockey games and can’t even get the fucking sport right. And who actually believes that Jessica Alba could manage a hockey team?

7. “An American Carol” – This film was so terrible that David Zucker had to recycle jokes from “The Onion Movie” just so the audience just had to get some laughs. “An American Carol” marks the return of David Zucker, who once brought us the hilarious comedies “Airplane!” and “The Naked Gun,” but now I wish he just would have stayed hidden. But it is a good thing that no one saw it, because the story of how the producers think that many theaters were against people seeing this movie actually just might be one of the funniest stories of 2008.

6. “10,000 B.C.” – And holy shit, you couldn’t get crappier than this one. “10,000 B.C.” isn’t terrible because of the plot. It is terrible because Roland Emmerich couldn’t get anything right. I can excuse the whole English language nowadays because if you want to make big bucks, you got to do it in the English language (unless if you’re Mel Gibson). But what I cannot excuse is ignoring the event of the Ice Age. If you think the film looks pretty, go to New Zealand and see it for yourself. There is no reason why you should spend a dollar on this film.

5. “Twilight” – Easily one of the most hyped films of 2008, and easily one of the worst, “Twilight” manages to do everything wrong but making the audience laugh at how stupid it is. Based off a book that is popular with Emo teenagers and single moms who wish they were thirteen again, “Twilight” is one of the most bland films of the year. The film kills the vampire mythology, and bludgeons the idea of how to kill a vampire. Nothing happens until the last thirty minutes and by then the film is over. It’s also probably one of the most uneasy films of the year. One character tells another that she is his brand of heroin. Unrealistic, sure, but if I went up to a girl and whispered that in her ear, she would have blown her rape-whistle.

4. “Henry Poole is Here” – “Henry Poole is Here” is the reason why I don’t believe in God. Luke Wilson plays Henry Poole, who is so cynical that he believes that there is no reason to live. So why didn’t we off him in the first ten minutes of the film? Because he has to CHAAAANGE. And what happens when he begins to change? He changes back, and he fucking Paul Bunyans his house down until it falls on top of him. There is no feeling sorry for anyone in this film, only unintentional laughter. God, this movie SUCKED.

3. “Stuck” – This film really could have been one of the best films of the year, but it was made in such a shitty way that it is one of the worst films of the year. Stuart Gordon, who made the overrated “Re-Animator,” directs Mena Suvari and Stephen Rea in a crappy film about a guy getting hit by a car. Supposedly a true story, “Stuck” never comes off as anything more than a fantasy film. How do I know this? Because the character that Mena Suvari played was a black lady, but Stuart Gordon’s decision to give Suvari cornrows makes Suvari look like a wannabe black person. Suvari’s boyfriend in the film is black, and behind her back, he’s fucking other ladies. If “Stuck” gets the award of the most racist film made this year…

2. “Tyler Perry’s The Family That Preys” - … then Tyler Perry wins the award for the most racist filmmaker this year. A man like Tyler Perry can do a number of things right. He can make Academy Award nominated actresses do the worst work of their career. He can have a woman get the shit slapped out of her and get applauses from the audience. And he can still be racist to his color and still be considered as a God to African Americans all over the world. If this was a fair world, Tyler Perry would have stayed on stage, and this movie would have never been made.

1. “The Spirit” – But not everything is a fair world. Aside from having to watch “The Family That Preys,” I watched “The Spirit” in the final days of the year. If you remember back in July, I named “The Spirit” as the film that I wanted to see the most out of the second half of the year. “The Spirit,” however, is easily the worst film of the year, and the worst film that I have ever seen in my life. It’s like Frank Miller wrote a book of everything that you could do wrong in a movie and did it. He got Louis Lombardi to play a multitude of annoying fat clones. He got Eva Mendes to scan her ass on a scanner for no reason whatsoever. He allows Samuel L. Jackson to melt a kitten and Gabriel Macht to come back at him and scream, “THIS IS FOR MUFFIN!” And he manages to get the entire “Spirit” story wrong. “The Spirit” is the “Batman and Robin” of the decade.

Note: I didn’t include “Disaster Movie,” “Meet the Spartans,” “The Hottie and the Nottie,” “Witless Protection,” and a few others on the list for a reason. I think you know why…

And my Best Ten of 2008 goes as followed:

10. “The Wrestler” – No performance this year could match up to the performance that Mickey Rourke gives in the new Darren Aronofsky film “The Wrestler.” Rourke and his character have a lot in common, which I found only helped him with the role even more. Both Rourke and the character he plays (Randy “The Ram” Robinson) were treated very unkindly when the 90s came around. There’s a great scene in “The Wrestler” where Rourke and another character in the film played by Marisa Tomei repeatedly say that the 90s sucked. Overall, “The Wrestler” is a pretty damn fine movie. Won’t win any Best Picture awards, but I dare you to find any finer than Mickey Rourke this season. (SEAN PENN FTL!)

9. “The Boy in the Striped Pyjamas” – If this was any other year, “The Boy in the Striped Pyjamas” wouldn’t have made this list. It’s not because it is a terrible film, which it most certainly isn’t, but it is such an unhappy tale that it makes “The Dark Knight” look like fucking “Happy-Go-Lucky.” I can guarantee you that if you go into “The Boy in the Striped Pyjamas” expecting a lot of good times, then you might as well give your money to something like “The Spirit” because you’re probably retarded. However, if you’re looking for a movie that you actually want to shed a tear at, there isn’t a better choice on this list… well maybe… Oh, and this film gets the award for Best Musical Score of the Year.

8. “In Bruges” – If I had watched “In Bruges” at least five more times since it came out on DVD, it would probably end up being number five or four on my list. Back when I first watched the film, I felt disappointed, and if it wasn’t for a few people convincing me to give it another go, it probably wouldn’t even be on this list. “In Bruges” is a movie that you will never get tired of watching once you watch it once or twice. The jokes are still funny the fifth time around and the performances only get better the tenth. This is the “Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang” of 2008, no question about it.

7. “Forgetting Sarah Marshall” – I originally gave this film three stars when I first saw it in theaters back in April, but it’s grown on me. Only on my list will you find “Forgetting Sarah Marshall” at number seven, and you know what? I take that as a compliment. “Forgetting Sarah Marshall” has more laughs than any film this year and has one of the most loveable characters of the year. Russell Brand brings the laughs and the tunes with this film. “Forgetting Sarah Marshall” brought the romantic comedy back – and it feels good to say that again.

6. “Doubt” – Mickey Rourke might have given the best performance of the year, but “Doubt” gets the award of the best cast of the year. Everything that you have heard is true – Meryl Streep gives the only female performance worth remembering this year; Phillip Seymour Hoffman does the best work of his career (and lord knows what that means); Amy Adams shines like a bright star in this film; and Viola Davis, with less than ten minutes of screen time, gives the most effective performance of the film. I believe that “Doubt” has the best ending of any film this year, as well.

5. “Zack and Miri Make a Porno” – Again, another film that you will find only on my top ten list. I hold this film to my heart just as much as any other Kevin Smith film (including “Jersey Girl”). This one might possibly be Smith’s best film. It was filled with enough raunchy humor to last five Judd Apatow-produced films and still wasn’t annoying. The screenwriting, as with all of Kevin Smith’s films, is top-notched. Seth Rogan does his best work of his career and Elizabeth Banks is just as great, but it is Craig Robinson from TV’s “The Office” (which happens to be the best sitcom on TV) that gives the best performance of the film.

4. “Frost/Nixon” – Previously, my favorite underdog film was “The King of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters,” a documentary that showed two very competitive gamers fighting for the world record at Donkey Kong. After “Frost/Nixon,” I might have to make a few adjustments. This is a tale that is rarely told in any classes (aside from journalism, possibly, but even I wasn’t taught this), but “Frost/Nixon” very well just might be the smartest film of the year. In reality, the first and only time President Nixon confessed his involvement with Watergate was during this interview, but being that this interview was watched by forty-five million people, does that mean that he has confessed it forty-five million times?

3. “The Dark Knight” – The single best live-action blockbuster of the year that doesn’t deal with nuclear bombs and a fridge, “The Dark Knight” is the real film of the year. I know that there are two more ahead of it on my list, two films that I like more than “The Dark Knight,” but I have a feeling that “The Dark Knight” has hit people harder than any film this year. There are some people who must have seen this film at least ten times and there are some people who only saw it once in theaters, but no matter what the number, everyone seems to be on the same page – “The Dark Knight” is an instant classic. The film has one of the best villains of all-time played by the late Heath Ledger, but I think I like Harvey Dent, played by Aaron Eckhart, even more. There are so many things that you can examine that occurred in “The Dark Knight” that it will probably take you a week to go through them all.

2. “Let the Right One In” – Putting this here was very difficult. I didn’t know how hard it was going to be to put my number 2 and my number one in the order that they are in. “Let the Right One In” is THE vampire film of the year. The tale of two children who both need each other hasn’t been told so great. The acting is great, the direction is fantastic, and the special effects aren’t overdone. “Let the Right One In” is fantastic, and it will stay on your mind for a long time after watching it.

1. “Wall-E” – Like I said in my first paragraph, this year in film sucked, but when there were great films, they stuck with you for a long time. “Wall-E” was the one movie that I haven’t been able to get out of my head since I first saw it in June. Since then, I must have seen it ten times and cried every time since then. I thought that Pixar couldn’t get better than “Ratatouille,” but I was wrong. And who better to do it than the guy that made the single worst Pixar film, “Finding Nemo.” Only Pixar could get away with calling us Americans fat. They are the only studio who can tell us that we have been brainwashed by technology and consumerism. “Wall-E” is the best romantic film since “Casablanca,” the best animated film ever made, and one of the best movies of ALL-TIME.