Welcome to Reviews from the Horror Chamber. I am your chamber keeper, Anthony Thurber. Love to rant, but I have three big movies this week to review, so on to the reviews.


Diary of the Dead
Director: George A. Romero
Stars: Joshua Close, Michelle Morgan, Scott Wentworth
MPAA Rating: R
Studio: Dimension Extreme
Running Time: 95 Mins
Review Rating: 5 Stars
Official Website: http://www.myspace.com/diaryofthedead

Diary of the Dead is the latest film in the zombie saga from director George Romero. The film is about a group of filmmakers who are shooting a student film in the middle of the woods. Everything is going fine until they hear the news that there are zombies are terrorizing people everywhere to the point that nowhere is safe. The director of the student film starts to become obsessed with documenting all the events that are taking place. Along with his crew, they try find a place of safety, as the zombies have returned to walk the earth and it’s all there to be documented.

After watching this film, I can clearly say that one of the true masters of horror is back and better than ever. This film also serves proof that if you let your director that can direct without any interference, the product of the film will be great, like this film.

Diary of the Dead is truly one of the year’s best films both horror wise and in general this year. Writer/Director George A. Romero truly directed a cult classic here. One of the things that I personally liked about this was the fact he focused on a lot of things with the current events going on today and integrating it into the story. His direction was great. I liked how Romero uses different types of filming methods like the hand held cams, surveillance footage, and fake news footage to describe and to capture the action on film. It helps the plot of a story that you’ve seen before become original, all of a sudden. His direction of the actors was very good. Romero makes sure that his actors come off as frighten and scared in front of the camera. It helps add to the hysteria that is taking place around them. Also, Romero was also good in the tone in which the narration dialogue was delivered. It helps add to the gloom and doom atmosphere that this movie is projecting. The lead performance from Michelle Morgan was very good. Her performance comes off like Sara Connor like, especially in the narration of the film.

Romero’s screenplay focuses on the various issues that help bring the darkness to this film. He does a great job integrating the issues that haunt this country today. Romero covers everything from Katrina, the media and everyone’s obsession of documenting everything on camera and then posting themselves on the Internet like on youtube and myspace. Also, he takes shots on George Bush and Texas alike, as one of the characters in the film is from that state. While amidst on trying to focus these issues, he also does a good job developing the filmmaker’s obsession with trying to get everything on film. Romero’s shows how his obsession is losing touch with his girlfriend and his friends through out the film, as the project has taken over his life to the point he’s just a passer by who stops and observers the chaos. Also, I liked how the story is told through the character’ filmmaker’s girlfriend instead of the filmmaker. It brings another person’s view to the events that were occurring in the film and it makes the view of the film compelling.

Diary of the Dead is truly a cult classic that can be added into the legacy of one of the greatest horror filmmakers ever, George A. Romero.

One Missed Call
Year: 2008
Director: Eric Valette
Stars: Shannyn Sossamon, Edward Burns, Megan Good
MPAA Rating: PG-13
Studio: Warner Brothers
Running Time: 87 Mins
Review Rating: Zero Stars

(Please take this Review as a Public Service Announcement)

Well, I gave you’ people a list of films to choose from, in which I would review the winning film. Here are the results, in last place with no votes is the remake to April Fools Day (thankfully I’m glad, because that was probably going to suck anyway). In fourth was Teeth with one vote. There was a tie for second as both Botched (which I’ll review next week and Zombie Strippers (which is in this edition as I couldn’t turn down a film with that title) received two votes. So that means you guys have chosen and decided to torture me with One Missed Call as the film that received the most votes with three.

One Missed Call is a remake of 2003 Japanese film called Chakushin Ari. The film is about several teens that are starting to receive mysterious phone calls from a mysterious source. In these phone calls, the calls themselves include some mysterious details that include the date, time, and the details in the way they die. A psychology student (Shannyn Sossamon) and a detective (Edward Burns (yes that Edward Burns that burst on to the scene with the Brother’s McMullen)) must find out the causes of these strange deaths as one of them has received that mysterious phone call that might put both of their lives in jeopardy.

First off, I would like to know the three people who asked for me to review the film, so that I could ask them if they wanted me to review it so I could rip it up to shreds. Because if that's what you wanted me to do, then you got it. One Missed Call should be One and a Half Missed Hours of My Life because this film has no logic and is un-releasable. This film is one of the WORST FILMS IN THE HISTORY OF MODERN CINEMA and it’s also the first to receive the dreaded Zero Stars. Director Eric Valette should have his fucking head examined because according to the film’s trivia on IMDB.com he has never seen the original and had instructed the film’s cast not to see it either. Hello, this is a remake; the original is supposed to be used as a tool so it can help the actors in their preparation. His direction of the actors was horrible as the actors made their character uninteresting and very boring and yes that’s on the director. So fuck you Eric Valette for directing a piece of shit. Also why the fuck is Edward Burns doing in this film. Isn’t there any other independent projects that he could act or direct instead of doing this piece of shit. For fuck sakes, you were in such high profile movies like 15 Minutes and recently in 27 Dresses. Why are you associated with this film?

The screenplay is even worse. I have five words for the writer Andrew Kalan’s screenplay for this piece of crap. Dreadfully Awful and Worst Screenplay EVER. This is the guy that wrote the screenplay to A Shock to the System back in 1990 and wrote the books Don’t Say A Word and True Crime? Hello, did you forget to write a coherent story because there is none here, without an attempt to write one. Kalan also doesn’t spend time getting to know any of the characters, as once you get to meet them they end up getting killed off five minutes later. He also neglects spending any time trying to develop a backstory, as he only spends and I quote “one minute on the backstory before he has kill off his first character two minutes later that’s just there to get killed off." And Mr. Kalan your film had no suspense what so ever, as all the character deaths were unsuspenseful and very predictable. Before I end this fucking review, I just want to say that the last ten minutes of the film is the worst ending to a horror film ever. It was very anti-climactic and very boring. So fuck you Andrew Kalan for writing this piece of crap.

Before I end this review Eric Valette and Andrew Kalan, you guys both owe me $3.99, the price of the on-demand rental, because I should be refunded for watching this trash. You can contact me at anthonythurber@filmarcade.net. Please pay me and I hope to never see you two near a film again because One Missed Call is one of the worst films of all time. It’s simply just fucking piece of un-releasable crap. [Editor's note: Which explains why it was the first film released in 2008, eh?]

Zombie Strippers
Year: 2008

Director: Jay Lee

Stars: Robert Englund, Jenna Jamerson, Roxy Saint

MPAA Rating: R

Studio: Sony Pictures / Scream HQ

Running Time: 94 Mins

Review Rating: 5 Stars
Official Site: http://www.sonypictures.com/movies/zombiestrippers

Yes, I’m not kidding. There is actually a movie that was just recently released in theaters and currently playing On Demand with the title and I quote Zombie Strippers! It’s the follow-up film from director Jay Lee, who directed The Slaughter (which I recommend, you check from Lionsgate) back in 2006. The film takes place in the not so distant future where a virus gets released into an ultra-conservative state, where the town’s underground strip club is run by a slimy owner (Robert Engund). Soon the virus starts spreading into his strip club where it turns the beautiful women into super zombie stripers. Soon the women and the employees, who work at the strip-club must try and fend off these zombies before they end up getting infected and joining these super zombie strippers (sorry about that, had to say one time). Hopefully this film will be better than I tried to make it, in the plot synopsis. Oh, by the way Adult Film superstar Jenna Jamerson co-headlines this film with Englund (A Nightmare on Elm Street, Behind the Mask).

Check your brain at the door because Zombie Strippers is great grindhouse fun. This is one of those films that I had very little interest going, but enjoyed this film for what it was worth Writer/ Director Jay Lee does it again, as this was very fun to watch. He does a great job with the direction and the screenplay, as they were both were very good. Lee does a good job keeping the action moving with good special effects and good camera movement. The acting is this was good considering the material here, as this felt like one of those exploitation horror films with humor added in.

The screenplay was very good here. Lee does a great job spoofing the current political climate here, as it takes shots at a lot of thing including the current president, corporate greed and the stupidity of our government. He added some very surprising good humor, as they were funny and helped make this film fun. Also, the thing that surprised me most was film. I was actually a little surprised that happened because it the fact; Lee spends developing the story before the fun and cheesiness kicks into this showed me that amidst the fun that goes with grindhouse films like these, you still can develop an effective story because it was at least a good fifteen minutes or more before we actually get into the strip club.

I hope there’s an unrated version for this film, as Zombie Strippers will make want to hang out with these girls, as it blood curling effects and hot luscious babes.

If you’re a filmmaker and interested in having your horror film reviewed in the horror chamber, you can reach the Chamber Keeper himself at horrorchamber@filmarcade.net or if you have any film in any genres that you want Film Arcade to review, send us an email at screeners@filmarcade.net.

Also, don’t forget to add the official myspace home of Reviews From the Horror Chamber at http://www.myspace.com/reviewsfromthehorchamber.

I’ll be back next Sunday with a new edition containing my reviews of Botched and Timber Falls. Until then, have a frightening day.

KNIGHTRIDERS (1981)

DIRECTED BY

George A. Romero

STARRING

Ed Harris - Billy

Gary Lahti - Alan

Tom Savini - Morgan

Amy Ingersoll - Linet

Patricia Tallman - Julie

Christine Forrest - Angie

Warner Shook - Pippin

Brother Blue - Merlin

*** out of ****

If you want to watch a great zombie movie, you pretty much go to one director: George A. Romero. Romero has pretty much invented the zombie sub-genre with his 1968 classic NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD, his even better 1978 masterpiece DAWN OF THE DEAD, his underrated 1985 DAY OF THE DEAD, and his very good 2005 LAND OF THE DEAD. With a new film out in the theaters with his DIARY OF THE DEAD, Romero is still captivating audiences by using zombies and the humans who have to battle them as metaphors and analogies for his social commentary on the world.

But Romero hasn't always directed zombies or horror films like his 1982 anthology-film, CREEPSHOW. Romero has tried his hand on non-horror, although to much lesser success financially. One of these films is 1981's KNIGHTRIDERS, which is a take on the King Arthur legend and the fall of Camelot but in modern times. Starring a young Ed Harris in his third film, KNIGHTRIDERS was barely a blip on the box office radar but has managed to create a somewhat small cult following ever since its released 27 years ago. Is it Romero's best? No. But it's definitely a film that mainstream film viewers should try and check out because it's an extremely well made low budget film. Just don't expect Michael Knight and the Knight Industries Two Thousand to be anywhere near this movie.

PLOT

A group of travelling performers who dress up as knights and anything else medieval related joust on motorcycles and do serious stunt work to entertain small crowds across the country. The group is led by Billy (Ed Harris) who is idealistic and believes himself to be a modern knight. Others like Morgan (Tom Savini) feel as if they should be King and could do more with the troupe. While attracting crowds with their action jousts, the troupe's popularity begins to grow to the point that they're actually idolized in magazines. While the group is happy about their success, Billy is less so and feels that fame would only ruin his values and ideas for the group. It gets worse when a promoter offers the group lots of money in exchange for arranging larger events to entertain bigger crowds. Billy wants nothing to do with it, but Morgan and a few others feel that they have every right to money, security, and the fame. This leads to a division amongst the group members, recreating the Fall of Camelot in modern times.

REVIEW

KNIGHTRIDERS is an interesting film. It's one of those films that looks really ridiculous, from its cover, to its trailer, to the very synopsis I just wrote above. However, there's a lot of substance and depth to this film if you take the chance to look between the lines. Even though this is no zombie film [believe me, it's FAR from it], Romero still injects his personal commentary on society through the very well-written story and nicely developed characters.

For me, not sure for anyone else, I felt Romero used the whole King Arthur/Camelot history for this modern group of "knights" to give us a sense of how badly the world of commercialism, materialism, greed can corrupt a well woven society. The troupe goes well until a child asks Billy to sign his autograph over a photo in a motorcycle magazine. Billy, wanting no recognition, refuses to sign. Morgan, wanting to be a big shot, signs - starting the dissention within the group. The group barely has any money to spend, especially when props and weapons are constantly breaking down. And when they're offered money that they could use to make a life for themselves, members of the group begin to argue amongst themselves until half of the group leaves on bad terms. But those who leave for the fame and money soon come to realize that they're being marketed as characters that they feel no connection to and feel miserable until they decide to come back to their home. It's something we all see every day in our own lives, and with celebrities as well. We try to be someone that's not really us just to fit into the popular crowd. And while that's great for a while, you soon realize that you're popular for all the wrong reasons and you just want to be yourself again, even if it does cost you friends and popularity. Money and fame are two very powerful things that put people in far out situations. Reality TV is probably the biggest evidence of it and it isn't going anywhere any time soon. So for a film that came out in the very early 1980s, KNIGHTRIDERS holds up well because we're still stuck in the same phase.

Also for an early 1980s film, the subject of homosexuality is brought up, which I'm sure wasn't as acceptable back then as it is now. And while it's not really dug deep into, the fact that the group has an actual conversation about it [that actually starts out as an insult but soon turns deep and serious] is actually quite fascinating. And while some films nowadays can pretty much devote the entire film on the issue without much flack [even though there is still some] and some pretty much use the whole gay issue as a joke to lead to multiple punchlines, Romero treats the issue with just the right amount of respect and time it needs. It shouldn't be the focus of the film and it's not. The character in question, Pippin, accepts his sexuality and actually becomes lovers with another member of the group. Nothing more, nothing less. It is what it is and Romero moves on. Very classy, I think.

As for the characters, they're all very different personalities. Billy is pretty much the ideal one who doesn't want to compromise his beliefs in this troupe and what it stands for in order to gain some kind of notoreity from it. He's the leader and he makes sure he's heard, which sometimes leads to conflict. Especially with Morgan, who is the hot-headed flashy one who believes he's better than everyone and wants to be the leader because he feels he could take the group to a new level. Then you have the loyal sidekick, Alan. You also have very strong-minded women in Queen Linet, runaway and naive Julie, and mechanic Angie. Plus Merlin, the medical/spiritual doctor is the one with the advice and knowledge. There are so many different characters here that you can relate to. None of them seem like stereotypes or caricatures. Even with somewhat cheesy dialogue [well a film about motorcycle knights isn't gonna be exactly serious now], you totally believe the characters and the situations they're put in. The fact that I found the characters and the story compelling at times surprised me very much.

George A. Romero directs a fine film here as usual. The film does have its share of pacing and editing problems but you can tell Romero enjoyed making this film. With a very low budget, Romero made it all work and the film looks great. He really gets intimate visually with each character so that we can know who they are through their body language, actions, and especially they're facial expressions. Plus he shoots the motorcycle jousts and stunts very well. You're never out of the loop, as you can always keep up with the action as it builds and builds to its climax. Romero has a great eye for storytelling and it's no exception here. He knows how to make chaotic sequences look absolutely breathtaking. I can't say that about many directors. Nice to see he can direct more than just zombies or anything outside the horror genre.

The music of the film by Donald A. Rubinstein is pretty cool too. Very majestic in tone that creates an almost epic feeling for a film that's involves realistic people leading fantasy lives and proud of it. It just pulls you in and it almost makes you feel like you should ride a motorcycle and knock some other bikers off you come across with jousting sticks. Very cool.

The acting is also fantastic in this film. Ed Harris in his third film is awesome as Billy, the King of the troupe. He has great scenes where he just goes off on people when they try to destroy his dreams and is actually convincing in his performance. You'd really think he was Billy, because he commands every bit of dialogue he has in the film. If I had watched this film back in 1981, I would have been telling people that Harris would become a big star in the future. He had 'it' back then and he still has 'it' now. Tom Savini as Billy's foil, Morgan, was surprising in his performance. Known more for his make-up work in horror films, he was pretty damn good here. He was a total ladies man with that prickish, arrogant attitude. You wanted to kick his ass but at the same time wanted to be him and/or hang out with him. And I'm sure after seeing him in a speedo, women will want him. He's too cool here. Gary Lahti as Alan was very good as the sidekick. He had more of a subtle performance that really worked well against the more vibrant characters in the film. Liked him alot. Also like Patricia Tallman as naive Julie, who ran away from her abusive family to be with Alan. She was pretty funny and cute, adding much comic relief and boobage [yay!] to the film. You also get cameos from Ken Foree, Stephen King, and his wife Tabitha. Everyone is great here. Nice ensemble as usual in a Romero film.

My major gripe is that at 145 minutes, the film is just too damn long. I think some of the ending could have been tighter and edited a bit. Same goes to some of the action scenes and interlude scenes. Europe actually cropped the film down to 102 minutes, which makes me curious as to what was taken out. Honestly, I'm not really sure what I would take out here. Everything worked, even if it wasn't really needed to move the film along. Not sure if the shorter version makes the film a better one, but it definitely needed some clipping in my opinion.

THINGS I'VE LEARNED WHILE DOING A FASHION SHOOT IN LEATHER GLITTERY UNDERWEAR

1. A knight always practices his fighting techniques in the nude. How else would one practice thrusting his sword?

2. Chicks can't get enough of men who ride motorcycles. Why? Because if the sex is bad, they can still get off from the vibrations of the ride. Harley Davidson - the real Viagra.

3. Stephen King says the knights jousting are like professional wrestlers. Not true. Wrestler jousting lances are probably smaller, dude to that massive steroid abuse. Allegedly...

4. It's bad luck to give a chain to someone you like that was given to you by your ex. Yeah, it's inconsiderate but at least you can pawn it. Money talks, right?

5. Pippin doesn't know if he's gay or not. Clay Aiken has the same conundrum. Or so he claims...

6. King Billy doesn't believe in compromising his beliefs for the almighty buck. Sigh...the coda of the poor and homeless.

7. Crowds don't like internal strifes within a group. No shit. Billy and his group's disinegration is worse than all those Van Halen breakups combined!

8. Morgan got heckled while posing in a fashion layout wearing only underwear. I'm sure David Beckham didn't have this problem during his shoot. Then again, who would dare make fun of Becks when he's the master of kicking balls?

9. Alan dumped Julie and dropped her off at her house, even though she didn't understand why. No wonder she went off on those zombies in the NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD remake. Bitch was pissed!

10. William went back to beat up the cop that abused him and one of his group members. Now that's how you smoke ham!

THE FINAL HOWL

KNIGHTRIDERS isn't a film for everyone. You'll either like it or you won't. There's no in between with this one. I, however, really enjoyed this unique and interesting movie. Instead of blood, guts, and total violence, I got a story about characters who struggle with compromising their fantasy world for the luxuries of reality. And I don't know anyone who can't sympathize with that idea. If you're a George A. Romero fan and have never seen this film, I would definitely recommend it so you can see a different side to the man. Anyone else who is willing to take a chance on KNIGHTRIDERS should because I think it's a pretty cool flick. Color me knighted!